Wow. I have not been a faithful traveler on my journey to a new beginning for almost a year. . . but SO much has happened! Weight is still great. I have leveled out and am able to eat and live my new normal without much thought. Sure, I have days when I eat not-so-good-stuff or snack a bit, but those are rare. I have come so far that I do not want to jeopardize anything that could set me back. Detours are expected, learned from, and not allowed to become permanent road blocks.
The PhD is in the final stages. . . dissertation! Data has been collected, and I just ordered a transcription pedal to help the process along more efficiently. My goal is to be finished up in September with everything but the proofing and manuscript final touches. Then, it will be time to pursue the next stage in my career. It seems so surreal that three years ago I was in such a different place . . . this day seemed so far away and distant and "I'll worry about it later." Well, it's later. :-) Definitely have ideas with where and what I want to do . . .doing my best to be patient, focused, and tick boxes.
My new word is "centered." I am working so diligently to make this work my guide. To discuss the change and mental journey that I have experienced over the past year would be impossible. So much of the change is unable to be voiced. It is felt so deep in my core that it physically hurts. I can FEEL the change that has occurred. It is time to make leaps in my life. And the future is so bright that, as the song says, I gotta wear shades! One thing is certain: I cannot go backwards or stay stagnant. I must listen to the voices in my head and the feeling in my gut that are both saying that it is time to reach for my goals. The only thing that is holding me back is fear. Fear of putting myself and my hubs in a bad place, fear of failure, fear of not being able to pay bills, fear that I may not be able to accomplish something. . . .BUT I am more afraid of the what ifs. What if I DON'T try? What is I DON'T give it a shot? I CAN do this. The energy is palpable, and I need to harness it and let it fuel me as I go after what I want.
Of course, the hubs is so supportive, and we talk about where we want to go and how we are going to make it happen. We are on the same page and want the same things. Creativity is such a focus at the moment. . . .singing . . . voice over . . . craft . . . these are loves that I have neglected because so much of my life is work. That has to change. I cannot quiet that creative voice anymore. That is my voice and the one that should be heard the loudest and clearest.
So, with that, I am going to leave this as the last entry to this blog, and continue my journey on a new blog, on a new site, when the time comes. Overwhelming? Yes. Unsettling? Yes. Scary? Yes. . . .
But I have no choice. I have to continue on this journey; I have a map, and the directions are becoming clearer with each day . . . .
Until later. . .
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Direction
Well, things have been cruising along at an incredible pace, and life has been a whirlwind. I feel like I have been on a carnival ride, and every time I feel like it is slowing down and I may be able to get off and slow down a bit, WHOOOSH! It speeds up and I am holding on for dear life. The end of the school year was not the best - a lot happened. A lot. Friends were transferred, a friend passed away, administrators were moved, and the morale is just pretty low. We were all shell-shocked and in pain and trying to grasp it all and just surviving. I was just plain exhausted. I had been going full steam ahead since returning to school after surgery, not passing go, not collecting 200 dollars. Just going going going going going . . . I simply shut down for about a month. I didn't want to look or think about anything related to school or PhD. I watched more HGTV in that time than I probably have in the past year, LOL. I took Cira walking a lot and we did did a lot of geocaching. In fact, I am taking her caching later today. I need to clear my head and do some thinking, and being outside with her is the best. If you ever see me on a trail somewhere, I am probably singing or talking -- to her and to myself. It really is the best therapy. I am still not taking my anxiety/depression meds, and I am okay with that. I have a bit more work to do to try and control my bouts of manic-control, but I know that I can do it. When I feel like there is too much that I can't control in my life, I become obsessed with trying to control the things that I can. . . like my environment. This is why I clean like a crazed person sometimes, or I try to accomplish everything on my to-do list. Or, I sit at my desk rearranging papers until I feel that they are in a good place so that I can begin to work. Thankfully, my hubby puts up with my craziness and understands that I am working hard to get a grip some days. He is so incredible. This week I am feeling much better in this arena, so I hope to knock out some work and feel a bit more relaxed. It's all about direction. . . I will explain that later. :-)
I did pass my Comprehensive Exam -- WOOOT! It took just over two weeks to find out, but I was so relieved when I got the word. The relief that I felt washed over me, and I am sure fueled my crash. Of course, my sleep patterns immediately reverted to the up all night, sleep late habit. I am simply a night person, so I go with it in the summer. At this point, it is the least of my concerns. It is what it is, and I accept it.
However, PhD courses began on the 8th, and I am now beginning the dissertation phase! WOW! I can't believe that I am here already. I am pretty sure that I have my topic - writing instruction - so I am doing the preliminary research and preparing my reserch plan for presentation. It is so exciting and daunting, but Capella has broken it down into 16 milestones, so I just follow the steps and, at the end, I am Dr. BS! My goal is March - July next year. Lofty, yes. Will I be busy as heck? Yes. Will it be worth it? You betcha!
School - work - is busy, too. I am taking on a leadership role as our team leader, plus I have a lot of reworking of curriculum to do. I am teaching a few workshops throughout the year, as well. I am so OCD and a perfectionist, that I worry about being expected to know everything. I just want to inspire and lead people to find the best within themselves, despite the pressures that we face as teachers. There are so many factors working against our success and the only way that we can overcome and beat those obstacles is to work together. In fact, a colleague recommended three books to me, and I have been telling everyone about them. One is The One Word That Will Change Your Life. It is incredible, and such a simple thought to make a huge difference in life. My word is "direction". Every action and behavior, step and thought that I make must move me in the direction in which I want to head. Check them out. They really are inspiring. The other two are The Energy Bus and The No Complaining Rule. Both awesome. I have decided that there will be no Energy Vampires on my bus . . . they will veer me away from my direction. :-)
I am checking in to another venture, too: Voice over work. I am so intrigued and excited about this new opportunity. I took an intro course at the community college and got some incredible feedback. I have talked to several people in the area and in the business, and still have some preliminary work to do, but this is going to happen. It's all about direction. . . and this is a work-at-home option that will allow us to pursue our dreams. Stay tuned!
Surgery wise -- LIFE IS FREAKING AWESOME! I do not regret my decision one bit, and I am doing really well. I weighed in at 144.4 this morning, and I have been between 142-144 for the last week; that is quite different from where I was a year and a half ago. I bought a pair of size 4 capris at Walmart a few weeks ago, and actually teared up in the fitting room. Now, I am not trying to be a certain size or anything. My goal is 130. I will get there. I know that I will. Direction.
Eating wise, I try new things, but I steer away from fried and carbonated. Carbs are the lowest priority. I really stick to protein and fruit. Popsicles are a nightly treat, and sweet enough that I feel like I am having something yummy. I can have wine or certain adult beverages, but they are not a priority either. I can have a dollar chicken wrap from Wendy's and a few fries, but I can't imagine eating a big fast-food meal like I used to do. It physically makes me sick to think about it. I just visualize all of that fat and grease in my new body, and ugh. No way, Jose! Twizzlers are okay, but in moderation. Peanut butter and some ice cream still bother me, but if I really want a treat, the mini blizzard from DQ is okay. Truthfully, I don't indulge in those. I simply keep my goals in mind and the progress that I have made. I will have a 100 calorie snack as my treats. I buy individual portions of foods, too, to control portions. It may cost a bit more money, but you know what? I (and my hubby) am worth it! When I walk Cira and I can actually JOG (yes, JOG!) with her, my desire to eat that stuff goes right out the window. I eat small meals, not a lot of snacking. Maybe six small meals a day. If I need a snack, I have a protein bar to make sure that I am getting the protein that I need. I use protein shots to help with that, too. My hair is growing back, and all of the biotin I take has made my nails stronger, too.
A few people have asked me about having surgery and the best/worst of it. I can't think of a worst. Really. I told someone that I think it is kind of like what mothers say about childbirth . . .any of the bad parts just aren't remembered because the beautiful reward at the end wipes them out of memory. To me, I had surgery to jump start my new way of life. I didn't treat it like a diet and go back to my old way of living. I don't eat things that I know will make me sick. I don't want to throw up. I want to enjoy my life. It is a new way of thinking, so if you want to do it, know that your life MUST change to be successful. The other day I was cutting fruit in order to make a big fruit salad to eat throughout the week. I smiled to myself because a year ago, I would never had done that. It took too much time . . . I wanted snacks that I could grab and go. How time has changed.
The worst? I waited so long to check into it. Not thinking that I was worth it and that I was too far gone to ever make my life better. That I wasn't worth the time, money and, effort to make myself better. The best? ME. I am worth it, and surgery helped me to grow and change into a stronger person who recognizes that life is worth some struggle and change if we want to improve our situation. So, as I continue to learn how to live this new life, cope with my quirks and develop mechanisms to conquer them, and make my future happen, it's all about direction. If it doesn't help me go in the right direction, it won't be in my life. Direction. :-)
Until next time . . . . P&L
I did pass my Comprehensive Exam -- WOOOT! It took just over two weeks to find out, but I was so relieved when I got the word. The relief that I felt washed over me, and I am sure fueled my crash. Of course, my sleep patterns immediately reverted to the up all night, sleep late habit. I am simply a night person, so I go with it in the summer. At this point, it is the least of my concerns. It is what it is, and I accept it.
However, PhD courses began on the 8th, and I am now beginning the dissertation phase! WOW! I can't believe that I am here already. I am pretty sure that I have my topic - writing instruction - so I am doing the preliminary research and preparing my reserch plan for presentation. It is so exciting and daunting, but Capella has broken it down into 16 milestones, so I just follow the steps and, at the end, I am Dr. BS! My goal is March - July next year. Lofty, yes. Will I be busy as heck? Yes. Will it be worth it? You betcha!
School - work - is busy, too. I am taking on a leadership role as our team leader, plus I have a lot of reworking of curriculum to do. I am teaching a few workshops throughout the year, as well. I am so OCD and a perfectionist, that I worry about being expected to know everything. I just want to inspire and lead people to find the best within themselves, despite the pressures that we face as teachers. There are so many factors working against our success and the only way that we can overcome and beat those obstacles is to work together. In fact, a colleague recommended three books to me, and I have been telling everyone about them. One is The One Word That Will Change Your Life. It is incredible, and such a simple thought to make a huge difference in life. My word is "direction". Every action and behavior, step and thought that I make must move me in the direction in which I want to head. Check them out. They really are inspiring. The other two are The Energy Bus and The No Complaining Rule. Both awesome. I have decided that there will be no Energy Vampires on my bus . . . they will veer me away from my direction. :-)
I am checking in to another venture, too: Voice over work. I am so intrigued and excited about this new opportunity. I took an intro course at the community college and got some incredible feedback. I have talked to several people in the area and in the business, and still have some preliminary work to do, but this is going to happen. It's all about direction. . . and this is a work-at-home option that will allow us to pursue our dreams. Stay tuned!
Surgery wise -- LIFE IS FREAKING AWESOME! I do not regret my decision one bit, and I am doing really well. I weighed in at 144.4 this morning, and I have been between 142-144 for the last week; that is quite different from where I was a year and a half ago. I bought a pair of size 4 capris at Walmart a few weeks ago, and actually teared up in the fitting room. Now, I am not trying to be a certain size or anything. My goal is 130. I will get there. I know that I will. Direction.
Eating wise, I try new things, but I steer away from fried and carbonated. Carbs are the lowest priority. I really stick to protein and fruit. Popsicles are a nightly treat, and sweet enough that I feel like I am having something yummy. I can have wine or certain adult beverages, but they are not a priority either. I can have a dollar chicken wrap from Wendy's and a few fries, but I can't imagine eating a big fast-food meal like I used to do. It physically makes me sick to think about it. I just visualize all of that fat and grease in my new body, and ugh. No way, Jose! Twizzlers are okay, but in moderation. Peanut butter and some ice cream still bother me, but if I really want a treat, the mini blizzard from DQ is okay. Truthfully, I don't indulge in those. I simply keep my goals in mind and the progress that I have made. I will have a 100 calorie snack as my treats. I buy individual portions of foods, too, to control portions. It may cost a bit more money, but you know what? I (and my hubby) am worth it! When I walk Cira and I can actually JOG (yes, JOG!) with her, my desire to eat that stuff goes right out the window. I eat small meals, not a lot of snacking. Maybe six small meals a day. If I need a snack, I have a protein bar to make sure that I am getting the protein that I need. I use protein shots to help with that, too. My hair is growing back, and all of the biotin I take has made my nails stronger, too.
A few people have asked me about having surgery and the best/worst of it. I can't think of a worst. Really. I told someone that I think it is kind of like what mothers say about childbirth . . .any of the bad parts just aren't remembered because the beautiful reward at the end wipes them out of memory. To me, I had surgery to jump start my new way of life. I didn't treat it like a diet and go back to my old way of living. I don't eat things that I know will make me sick. I don't want to throw up. I want to enjoy my life. It is a new way of thinking, so if you want to do it, know that your life MUST change to be successful. The other day I was cutting fruit in order to make a big fruit salad to eat throughout the week. I smiled to myself because a year ago, I would never had done that. It took too much time . . . I wanted snacks that I could grab and go. How time has changed.
The worst? I waited so long to check into it. Not thinking that I was worth it and that I was too far gone to ever make my life better. That I wasn't worth the time, money and, effort to make myself better. The best? ME. I am worth it, and surgery helped me to grow and change into a stronger person who recognizes that life is worth some struggle and change if we want to improve our situation. So, as I continue to learn how to live this new life, cope with my quirks and develop mechanisms to conquer them, and make my future happen, it's all about direction. If it doesn't help me go in the right direction, it won't be in my life. Direction. :-)
Until next time . . . . P&L
These are head shots that I had taken to update my theater resume and profile. So different from where I was last year:
AND I AM NEVER GOING BACK!!!!!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Back at It, Again!
Well, it is only 11:36 and I am pretty positive that I will be in bed before 1:00 AM!!! That is a great start to my BDay, LOL! Of course, that doesn't mean that I will actually fall asleep, but I love knowing that the potential to sleep is there. It takes so long for my mind to shut down so that I can sleep. I just keep thinking about the huge to-do list that I have and creating a schedule in my mind of when and how I will complete everything on it. Then, I "erase" that schedule and create a new one. I sometimes wonder if going back on Zoloft would be beneficial, but then I quickly say, "No". I have been able to manage and keep myself from completely losing it in the past eight months, with only a few moments of complete meltdown proportions. . . and I love not being dependent on any medications. No more blood pressure issues and no more Zoloft. No more Excedrin Migraine or Advil to keep the migraines and arthritis pain away. Just my supplements and some Gas X strips (LOL). I know that I always get anxious when the end of something is coming near. I just want it to be over so that I can move on to the next stage or part. The school year is ending. . . and I just want to start planning for next year! So, I just need to keep my focus and work through a few more sleepless nights and I will be able to get myself in check. I have taken a few Unisom the past few nights, and they do seem to help a bit. I don't want to become dependent on them, though, so I am not sure that I want to keep taking them. We shall see.
Play rehearsal is going really well, and I am so excited! The cast and crew are fabulous. I REALLY hope some of you can make it to a show. If you do, stick around and say "hello" afterwards! And, let me know if you are coming so that I can tell everyone that my friends are in the audience! I mean, come on! When will you have another chance to see five women in the same ridiculous 80s bridesmaid attire? I do love performing, though. Hopefully, I will get to sing again soon. I will be doing some good ol' karaoke for my birthday, though! :-)
Weight is at around 154, so it is going down slowly, but surely. Saturday I walked several miles around Twin Lakes with Cira and did some geocaching while Glenn fished. I walked up the hill to the two picnic areas from the upper lake -- the hill near the small parking lot with the wishing well. I wasn't even out of breath!!!! We even jogged a bit!!! Now, I can't do a lot of running or jogging because the arthritis just hates it, but I can do a little bit. :-) Last night I came home and took Cira for a three mile walk/run/jog on the Five Star Trail and did some more caching. It felt SO good to be outside and not in pain while moving. I can't wait until this weekend --- I hope that I get the chance to do some more exercise. WOW! There is a phrase that I haven't said in a LONG time.
Food is pretty much what it is. I try new things if I want to try them, but I just don't think about food all of the time anymore. I get bored every once in awhile because I get into ruts as far as what I eat day-to-day, but I can change things up pretty easily. I would eat the same things every day before I had surgery, so that is not new; it's just that now I want what I eat to matter, so I don't want to just eat something to eat it or because it's convenient. I want to enjoy what I eat but I am very certain that when I do eat, it is something that will satisfy my need for food and what I am hungry for at the same time. Every once in awhile I just stop and think back to how far I have come in the past 14 months. . . the change in not only my physical person, but also my mental person is sobering, to say the least. And invigorating and exciting all at the same time. I am so blessed to be where I am and have the support that I do.
And with that, I will end and turn in for the night. Until next time. . .
Play rehearsal is going really well, and I am so excited! The cast and crew are fabulous. I REALLY hope some of you can make it to a show. If you do, stick around and say "hello" afterwards! And, let me know if you are coming so that I can tell everyone that my friends are in the audience! I mean, come on! When will you have another chance to see five women in the same ridiculous 80s bridesmaid attire? I do love performing, though. Hopefully, I will get to sing again soon. I will be doing some good ol' karaoke for my birthday, though! :-)
Weight is at around 154, so it is going down slowly, but surely. Saturday I walked several miles around Twin Lakes with Cira and did some geocaching while Glenn fished. I walked up the hill to the two picnic areas from the upper lake -- the hill near the small parking lot with the wishing well. I wasn't even out of breath!!!! We even jogged a bit!!! Now, I can't do a lot of running or jogging because the arthritis just hates it, but I can do a little bit. :-) Last night I came home and took Cira for a three mile walk/run/jog on the Five Star Trail and did some more caching. It felt SO good to be outside and not in pain while moving. I can't wait until this weekend --- I hope that I get the chance to do some more exercise. WOW! There is a phrase that I haven't said in a LONG time.
Food is pretty much what it is. I try new things if I want to try them, but I just don't think about food all of the time anymore. I get bored every once in awhile because I get into ruts as far as what I eat day-to-day, but I can change things up pretty easily. I would eat the same things every day before I had surgery, so that is not new; it's just that now I want what I eat to matter, so I don't want to just eat something to eat it or because it's convenient. I want to enjoy what I eat but I am very certain that when I do eat, it is something that will satisfy my need for food and what I am hungry for at the same time. Every once in awhile I just stop and think back to how far I have come in the past 14 months. . . the change in not only my physical person, but also my mental person is sobering, to say the least. And invigorating and exciting all at the same time. I am so blessed to be where I am and have the support that I do.
And with that, I will end and turn in for the night. Until next time. . .
Glenndini and I saying good-bye to the beach. . .
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Long Time, No Blog
Wow, it has been a really long time since I have written -- for several reasons. One, my PhD classes and life became INSANELY busy with statistics, Internship, work, and other obligations. I seriously ignored everything in my life except for a few events here and there, and my husband had to look at the side of my head almost every evening. The hard work paid off, though; I earned As for the final quarter of my course work, and will head into my Comprehensive Exams with a 4.0!!!! I could NEVER have accomplished such an awesome milestone without the support of my friends, family, fellow Doctoral Divas and Dudes, and my hubby. Thank you all for your words of encouragement, hugs (both real and virtual), and support. The Comps part of the process (phase two) starts April 8th. And, since I will pass the first time, dissertation begins in July!!!!
I am also FINALLY returning to the stage in May. I will be in Five Women Wearing the Same Dress at McKeesport Little Theater that opens May 3rd. PLEASE come and see this show!!! We have an incredible cast and production crew, and I am uber-excited to be working with so many awesome people. It will be worth the drive, time, and money for some great entertainment. I am not singing - it is a straight play - but the comedy is perfect! You will not regret it. :-)
As for the weight loss and surgery stuff, things are continuing to move along and go well. I am down to around 156ish. . . down 102 since I began the journey last February and almost 70 since surgery August 29th. My bloodwork was good last month; all seems in line and improving as far as blood levels and whatnot. My B12 was really high, so I have cut back on that. The hair loss is not as bad, either. I work hard to get my protein in with bars, food choices, the Nectar Syntrax drinks, and Provide shots, so that has helped tremendously. Take it one day at a time and follow Dr. Z.'s orders. It is working like a charm!
Currently, I wearing size 10 in pants, mediums in shirts, and a 36C for the girls. This is down from a 20/22 in pants, 2X or 3X in shirts, and a 42D for the girls. I feel great, and I am looking forward to establishing a workout exercise routine now that the schedule is a bit more open. Comps will be a challenge, but I will have one goal of writing the 50 page paper. . . not a bunch of weekly assignments and posts, so I am looking forward to that aspect of the craziness. I need to tone up a bit and build my endurance a bit. I hope to avoid a "girls lift" in the future, but that may be an unavoidable fact. I LOVE going into stores and being able to wear styles that I have not been able to wear for years, and I look forward to shopping now. Buying quality clothes has become something I enjoy because I know that they are better and will last a long time. And, they simply feel better. I have been buying undergarments at Victoria's Secret. Yes, they cost more. BUT the fit and quality are so much better. I have tried the styles and brands at Walmart, Kohl's, the outlets, etc., and they simply do not do the job the same way. I posted on Facebook about the Lucky Brand jeans that I just bought. HOLY MOLY! They are so ridiculously comfortable that I don't know that I will ever buy another brand. They are soft and feel like silk . . .it is silly sounding, but I did not want to take them off tonight when it was time to get ready for bed! I still have some weight to lose before I start to try and maintain, but I am very happy with the progress that I am making and the way that I have been able to uphold the changes that I have been making. Buying clothes that feel good are now something that I give myself, not as a reward but because my body deserves to look as good as it feels.
Eating has not been an issue, either. I introduce new foods to my diet periodically; if they are accepted, then I know that I can have them again. If not, I steer clear of them. I did have a few bites of Maggie Moo's ice cream tonight -- and that was enough. I stopped because I could tell that it was too much for me. Every once in awhile I have some peanut butter with some honey wheat pretzel sticks, but if I have a few bites and it does not settle well, then I stop. I do not understand why anyone would continue to eat something that they know will cause them to experience "dumping". Why torture your body when you have endured so much to try and make it healthy again? I love salmon and shrimp and scallops and tuna -- I eat those foods quite often. I still love broccoli and green beans, and do eat salad once in awhile. Carbs are around in small amounts - but I don't eat all of the potatoes or rice or cous cous first, like before. I have a little and focus on the protein. Desserts and snacks are around, too, but -- again -- in limited quantities. A bite or two gives plenty of satisfaction. While on vacation, I have found that I miss my nightly popsicles -- they were my sweet treat for the day many nights. I do not finish my dinners at all, and my leftovers can provide another meal for Glenn and I if we share them. It's hard to explain my mindset about food now. . . .it simply isn't my every waking thought. I used to be almost panicked about when and where I was going to eat, and always have snacks at hand. Now, I eat and enjoy what I eat, but I am not consumed (no pun intended) by the thought of food. I don't want to eat fast food because I know that it is not a good option. I can eat a grilled chicken wrap and a few fries once in awhile, but I would rather wait until I can have something better for my body. So different from where I was a little over a year ago. . . and so much happier of a place. I stop eating when I am full, and think of food more as something my body needs to live, rather than something that I need to live. It has been so freeing to notice that change. My mind can focus on other, more important things.
Not to mention comfort! I can cross my legs, sit Indian style, fit into movie theater seats and booths, curl up in spaces, wear heels, and just walk all day without the discomfort of before. I still have arthritis, but it is so much better than before. The pain level is phenomenally lower than before. I can wear shoes and boots, and enjoy it! Doors are sometimes so heavy that I do not have the body weight to open them without a bit of effort, and the wind on the beach the other day actually stopped me and moved me in my tracks! That was a new experience, for sure! I do not regret my decision at all, and I am so grateful for all of the happiness and change that has entered my life as a result. Next up -- outside of PhD and work stuff -- is to really think about trying to do more with singing. I love singing and need it to be a regular part of my life. More on that as I figure it out. :-)
And, with that, I will close. Thank you for being patient as I took a break from blogging. Until later. . . P&L.
I am also FINALLY returning to the stage in May. I will be in Five Women Wearing the Same Dress at McKeesport Little Theater that opens May 3rd. PLEASE come and see this show!!! We have an incredible cast and production crew, and I am uber-excited to be working with so many awesome people. It will be worth the drive, time, and money for some great entertainment. I am not singing - it is a straight play - but the comedy is perfect! You will not regret it. :-)
As for the weight loss and surgery stuff, things are continuing to move along and go well. I am down to around 156ish. . . down 102 since I began the journey last February and almost 70 since surgery August 29th. My bloodwork was good last month; all seems in line and improving as far as blood levels and whatnot. My B12 was really high, so I have cut back on that. The hair loss is not as bad, either. I work hard to get my protein in with bars, food choices, the Nectar Syntrax drinks, and Provide shots, so that has helped tremendously. Take it one day at a time and follow Dr. Z.'s orders. It is working like a charm!
Currently, I wearing size 10 in pants, mediums in shirts, and a 36C for the girls. This is down from a 20/22 in pants, 2X or 3X in shirts, and a 42D for the girls. I feel great, and I am looking forward to establishing a workout exercise routine now that the schedule is a bit more open. Comps will be a challenge, but I will have one goal of writing the 50 page paper. . . not a bunch of weekly assignments and posts, so I am looking forward to that aspect of the craziness. I need to tone up a bit and build my endurance a bit. I hope to avoid a "girls lift" in the future, but that may be an unavoidable fact. I LOVE going into stores and being able to wear styles that I have not been able to wear for years, and I look forward to shopping now. Buying quality clothes has become something I enjoy because I know that they are better and will last a long time. And, they simply feel better. I have been buying undergarments at Victoria's Secret. Yes, they cost more. BUT the fit and quality are so much better. I have tried the styles and brands at Walmart, Kohl's, the outlets, etc., and they simply do not do the job the same way. I posted on Facebook about the Lucky Brand jeans that I just bought. HOLY MOLY! They are so ridiculously comfortable that I don't know that I will ever buy another brand. They are soft and feel like silk . . .it is silly sounding, but I did not want to take them off tonight when it was time to get ready for bed! I still have some weight to lose before I start to try and maintain, but I am very happy with the progress that I am making and the way that I have been able to uphold the changes that I have been making. Buying clothes that feel good are now something that I give myself, not as a reward but because my body deserves to look as good as it feels.
Eating has not been an issue, either. I introduce new foods to my diet periodically; if they are accepted, then I know that I can have them again. If not, I steer clear of them. I did have a few bites of Maggie Moo's ice cream tonight -- and that was enough. I stopped because I could tell that it was too much for me. Every once in awhile I have some peanut butter with some honey wheat pretzel sticks, but if I have a few bites and it does not settle well, then I stop. I do not understand why anyone would continue to eat something that they know will cause them to experience "dumping". Why torture your body when you have endured so much to try and make it healthy again? I love salmon and shrimp and scallops and tuna -- I eat those foods quite often. I still love broccoli and green beans, and do eat salad once in awhile. Carbs are around in small amounts - but I don't eat all of the potatoes or rice or cous cous first, like before. I have a little and focus on the protein. Desserts and snacks are around, too, but -- again -- in limited quantities. A bite or two gives plenty of satisfaction. While on vacation, I have found that I miss my nightly popsicles -- they were my sweet treat for the day many nights. I do not finish my dinners at all, and my leftovers can provide another meal for Glenn and I if we share them. It's hard to explain my mindset about food now. . . .it simply isn't my every waking thought. I used to be almost panicked about when and where I was going to eat, and always have snacks at hand. Now, I eat and enjoy what I eat, but I am not consumed (no pun intended) by the thought of food. I don't want to eat fast food because I know that it is not a good option. I can eat a grilled chicken wrap and a few fries once in awhile, but I would rather wait until I can have something better for my body. So different from where I was a little over a year ago. . . and so much happier of a place. I stop eating when I am full, and think of food more as something my body needs to live, rather than something that I need to live. It has been so freeing to notice that change. My mind can focus on other, more important things.
Not to mention comfort! I can cross my legs, sit Indian style, fit into movie theater seats and booths, curl up in spaces, wear heels, and just walk all day without the discomfort of before. I still have arthritis, but it is so much better than before. The pain level is phenomenally lower than before. I can wear shoes and boots, and enjoy it! Doors are sometimes so heavy that I do not have the body weight to open them without a bit of effort, and the wind on the beach the other day actually stopped me and moved me in my tracks! That was a new experience, for sure! I do not regret my decision at all, and I am so grateful for all of the happiness and change that has entered my life as a result. Next up -- outside of PhD and work stuff -- is to really think about trying to do more with singing. I love singing and need it to be a regular part of my life. More on that as I figure it out. :-)
And, with that, I will close. Thank you for being patient as I took a break from blogging. Until later. . . P&L.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Moving Along, Slowly But Surely
I know that it has been a while since the last blog post, but I cannot express how overwhelmed I feel currently. I know that I have mentioned this before, but it seems like I am a hamster on a wheel. I am running and running and running, but getting nowhere. The amount of time that I have to devote to my statistics course seems immense, and the hours that I have to complete and the amount of work to finish for my internship are almost insurmountable. March 15th cannot get here fast enough. I know that comps and dissertation will be challenging, but I just feel as if it will be a more focused craziness than the uncontrollable feeling of helplessness that I am experiencing at the moment.
On a positive note, I have started the job application process, putting in a few and planning to submit a few more. I do like my current school, but it doesn't hurt to put out a few feelers to see what may be out there for me. It is scary to think about picking up and going to a new job, but that is part of my goal for the future, so it is a scary risk that must be taken!
I haven't given up my dream of opening a coffee shop/community center, though. Or living in Italy. Or living at the beach. I actually drew up a floor plan for the community center last week. It would be a gathering place for the community, all ages and types. There would be the coffee shop, pool tables, seating areas, table areas, books and board games, a large group room for meetings, small rooms for tutoring or meetings, and a bigger room in which bands or community events could be held. Students and teachers could meet for tutoring sessions, community members could attend informational or learning sessions, . . . the possibilities are endless. I would absolutely need to find money to do this, though. I don't have a clue as to where to start looking for such things. But I'd like to think that I could one day make this dream come true.
As far as weight and health, I have been making some progress. I am down to 165ish. . .fluctuating between the high 164s and low 166s. I feel pretty darn good, too, outside of constantly being tired. However, that is because I do not get to bed before 2:00 AM and have to be up for work the next morning. My cold is finally going away, too. I am not sure whether or not it was the flu, but I do know that it has taken over two weeks to be able to wake up feeling human. I am eating more protein, too, whether through food or supplements. I got the Provide protein shots, and they are not too bad. Also, the Nectar Syntrax shakes are great and I can drink those throughout the day from my Nalgene bottle. One bottle equals 23 grams of protein and 32 ounce of liquid. Diet-wise things are good, too. I am eating protein as much as possible, and making sure to keep fats and sugars to a minimum. The hair loss is still happening, but some days it doesn't seem like it is as drastic. Of course, my hair is shorter so that could be why. I did add zinc to my supplements, so I am hoping that is helping, too. Exercise is still slow-going, but I try to get a dog walk in when I can. The cold an weather took care of that for the past few weeks. I did walk like a champ all over NYC last week, which helped get me moving.
Every time I look in the mirror I am so excited for the change in my life that was able to happen because of surgery. :-) But for now, it is time to try and get some sleep. Until next time . . .
On a positive note, I have started the job application process, putting in a few and planning to submit a few more. I do like my current school, but it doesn't hurt to put out a few feelers to see what may be out there for me. It is scary to think about picking up and going to a new job, but that is part of my goal for the future, so it is a scary risk that must be taken!
I haven't given up my dream of opening a coffee shop/community center, though. Or living in Italy. Or living at the beach. I actually drew up a floor plan for the community center last week. It would be a gathering place for the community, all ages and types. There would be the coffee shop, pool tables, seating areas, table areas, books and board games, a large group room for meetings, small rooms for tutoring or meetings, and a bigger room in which bands or community events could be held. Students and teachers could meet for tutoring sessions, community members could attend informational or learning sessions, . . . the possibilities are endless. I would absolutely need to find money to do this, though. I don't have a clue as to where to start looking for such things. But I'd like to think that I could one day make this dream come true.
As far as weight and health, I have been making some progress. I am down to 165ish. . .fluctuating between the high 164s and low 166s. I feel pretty darn good, too, outside of constantly being tired. However, that is because I do not get to bed before 2:00 AM and have to be up for work the next morning. My cold is finally going away, too. I am not sure whether or not it was the flu, but I do know that it has taken over two weeks to be able to wake up feeling human. I am eating more protein, too, whether through food or supplements. I got the Provide protein shots, and they are not too bad. Also, the Nectar Syntrax shakes are great and I can drink those throughout the day from my Nalgene bottle. One bottle equals 23 grams of protein and 32 ounce of liquid. Diet-wise things are good, too. I am eating protein as much as possible, and making sure to keep fats and sugars to a minimum. The hair loss is still happening, but some days it doesn't seem like it is as drastic. Of course, my hair is shorter so that could be why. I did add zinc to my supplements, so I am hoping that is helping, too. Exercise is still slow-going, but I try to get a dog walk in when I can. The cold an weather took care of that for the past few weeks. I did walk like a champ all over NYC last week, which helped get me moving.
Every time I look in the mirror I am so excited for the change in my life that was able to happen because of surgery. :-) But for now, it is time to try and get some sleep. Until next time . . .
Not a great pic as far as appearance because I had just gotten out of the shower . . . and it is a lazy Sunday, but this is me in a pair of pants that I wore only five months ago. Size 20/22 and they were tight!
Me now, a size 12, heading to a 10, and wearing medium or large shirts!!!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Hanging in There. . .
I am exhausted at the moment. I am not feeling well at all and hope that I simply have a horrible cold, rather than the flu. I been feeling sick since late Tuesday night and have no energy. It is so frustrating. I have not been getting up in the morning to work out because I just do not have the energy to do so. I know that Dr. Z. said that it would take me up to a year to get my energy back and that I am going to be tired since I am trying to maintain my normal schedule, but I am too impatient for this! I did take an hour and half walk last Sunday along the Five Star Trail, doing some geocaching with Cira along the way; it felt great. I have been trying to get course work done and keep up with school work, too, which means the late nights are back. Even with a nap, I feel like I am perpetually tired. A woman at the hairdressers who had the surgery told me that it was almost a year before she felt as if she had her energy back. Also, she suggested zinc to help with hair loss, so I have added it to the regimen.
The one bright spot in all of this was that I am down to 168.6! I have noticed that I may gain a pound or two depending on my bathroom schedule, so that does help me from getting too upset when the scale fluctuates a few pounds over a few days. Plus, it always gets a little weird during my favorite time of the month, but it is extremely rewarding to know that I am so close to bidding the 170s good-bye forever!!! I haven't weighed under 170 since 1999!!!! Some of my size 12s are already starting to get too big on me. :-) At least I know that I can out them in the dryer. Gosh, it's been a hell of a long time since I have wanted to shrink something in the dryer! I will get some pics in NYC and post updated ones next time, BTW.
As for eating, Glenn and I had chili again Wednesday, and fish several times this week. We have eaten chili at least once a week since I found the recipe. It is really good and has so much protein! I tried the Nectar Syntrex protein drinks and I LOVE THEM! They are made with a much finer powder and the taste is so much better. They feel less heavy in my stomach, too. Definitely glad to have found them. The protein shots arrived, too, and although the consistency is a bit much and they are very sweet, I can handle them for the one ounce that they are and the 15 grams of protein that they give me. In all, I've had a bit of a sweet tooth this week, so I have indulged in a few pieces of candy and a spoonful of icing. . . but quickly returned to my Weight Watcher's ice cream sandwiches and hot chocolate as my sweets of choice. I did have a sliver of angel food cake with fresh strawberries and dollop of light whipped topping after dinner at my brother's last night, too. Overall, I don't miss the carbs or junk and have been able to make alternate choices when craving something in that food group, but the control that I am now able to exercise when faced with such treats is rewarding in and of itself. I will NOT NEVER NO HOW IN NOW WAY SHAPE OR FORM go back to a size 22.
Unfortunately, the only thing that is still plaguing me is the never-ending feeling of being overwhelmed and tired. And, unfortunately, that is going to continue until this quarter of course work and internship are over. I am trying really desperately to get my work completed before going to NYC from Thursday to Sunday, but I am not sure if that will happen. If not, I will have to suck it up and do work there or when I get home Sunday. The anger that I feel on a daily basis because I always have to put myself last is starting to bug me. I am NOT a selfish person, but damn it, I would like to not have to worry about so much all of the time and just be able to enjoy things without the workload I have creeping in to the back of my mind. Yes, I recognize that I did this to myself, but wanting to better myself as a person and a teacher should not mean that I have to sacrifice myself as a person in order to do so. Meh.
With that said, it is time to wrap up a few items on the to-do list and try and get some sleep. Until next time. . . .
The one bright spot in all of this was that I am down to 168.6! I have noticed that I may gain a pound or two depending on my bathroom schedule, so that does help me from getting too upset when the scale fluctuates a few pounds over a few days. Plus, it always gets a little weird during my favorite time of the month, but it is extremely rewarding to know that I am so close to bidding the 170s good-bye forever!!! I haven't weighed under 170 since 1999!!!! Some of my size 12s are already starting to get too big on me. :-) At least I know that I can out them in the dryer. Gosh, it's been a hell of a long time since I have wanted to shrink something in the dryer! I will get some pics in NYC and post updated ones next time, BTW.
As for eating, Glenn and I had chili again Wednesday, and fish several times this week. We have eaten chili at least once a week since I found the recipe. It is really good and has so much protein! I tried the Nectar Syntrex protein drinks and I LOVE THEM! They are made with a much finer powder and the taste is so much better. They feel less heavy in my stomach, too. Definitely glad to have found them. The protein shots arrived, too, and although the consistency is a bit much and they are very sweet, I can handle them for the one ounce that they are and the 15 grams of protein that they give me. In all, I've had a bit of a sweet tooth this week, so I have indulged in a few pieces of candy and a spoonful of icing. . . but quickly returned to my Weight Watcher's ice cream sandwiches and hot chocolate as my sweets of choice. I did have a sliver of angel food cake with fresh strawberries and dollop of light whipped topping after dinner at my brother's last night, too. Overall, I don't miss the carbs or junk and have been able to make alternate choices when craving something in that food group, but the control that I am now able to exercise when faced with such treats is rewarding in and of itself. I will NOT NEVER NO HOW IN NOW WAY SHAPE OR FORM go back to a size 22.
Unfortunately, the only thing that is still plaguing me is the never-ending feeling of being overwhelmed and tired. And, unfortunately, that is going to continue until this quarter of course work and internship are over. I am trying really desperately to get my work completed before going to NYC from Thursday to Sunday, but I am not sure if that will happen. If not, I will have to suck it up and do work there or when I get home Sunday. The anger that I feel on a daily basis because I always have to put myself last is starting to bug me. I am NOT a selfish person, but damn it, I would like to not have to worry about so much all of the time and just be able to enjoy things without the workload I have creeping in to the back of my mind. Yes, I recognize that I did this to myself, but wanting to better myself as a person and a teacher should not mean that I have to sacrifice myself as a person in order to do so. Meh.
With that said, it is time to wrap up a few items on the to-do list and try and get some sleep. Until next time. . . .
Monday, January 7, 2013
Back to the Grind
Well, it is time to get back to work. PhD classes started today, and I spent yesterday tackling the to-do list. I had several things to that were just taking up brain space and lesson plans to get ready for the week, so I took care of those tasks first. It was a busy weekend, for sure. Friday I got home around 6:45 and began the cleaning and undecorating extravaganza. I finished around 12 hours later, took a nap, and then went to get a brand new hairdo from Gwen. I LOVE it! I am so glad that I didn't back out or stick to the same hair do. It feels so refreshing, and it really was easy to fix this morning. I blew it dry, used a flat iron quickly, and WAAA-LAAA! Done! A new look for a new leg of my journey.
I ordered some protein supplements tonight, too. Mellissa (thanks!) gave me the heads up on Provide Protein shots - 15grams of protein per ounce. That's awesome! I am supposed to get 60 - 80 grams a day, and that is pretty difficult. Four of these shots would ensure that I got that amount. Also, I ordered some sample packs of coffee and fruit flavored drinks. The fruit ones I can make into popsicles, too, so instead of eating a regular popsicle, I can have a protein one! I know that it is money to spend, but I certainly am not spending as much on food for me, so I can spend it on protein and make sure that I am getting the nutrition that I need.
As for weight loss, I have hit a snag. I have been hovering around 172-174 for over a week. I started exercising at 5 am last week, so I am giving myself time to adjust. It's been rough because I am so tired, but I am going to keep plugging on -- I HAVE to keep this up or I will never reach my goals and maintain my new lifestyle. It is so fun and exciting to go shopping, buy clothes and accessories, put together outfits, play with make-up. I feel like a teenager again! I'm going to have to get a second (well, third or fourth, technically) job to fund my new habit! I am trying to not let the guilt of spending so much money on myself outweigh my happiness at being able to enjoy these things again, though. It's hard to change those mental thoughts of not being worth the money so quickly. It will take a while before I stop thinking like the fat girl who wanted to just buy somethings to get by and go back home to hide.
Well, this is a short one, but morning comes earlier and I have a few things to finish up before I get some sleep. Until next time. . .
New hair! Inverted bob -- I love it!! Late night photo isn't too flattering, though! LOL
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