Direction

        Well, things have been cruising along at an incredible pace, and life has been a whirlwind.  I feel like I have been on a carnival ride, and every time I feel like it is slowing down and I may be able to get off and slow down a bit, WHOOOSH! It speeds up and I am holding on for dear life.  The end of the school year was not the best - a lot happened. A lot. Friends were transferred, a friend passed away, administrators were moved, and the morale is just pretty low. We were all shell-shocked and in pain and trying to grasp it all and just surviving.  I was just plain exhausted. I had been going full steam ahead since returning to school after surgery, not passing go, not collecting 200 dollars. Just going going going going going  . . . I simply shut down for about a month. I didn't want to look or think about anything related to school or PhD. I watched more HGTV in that time than I probably have in the past year, LOL. I took Cira walking a lot and we did did a lot of geocaching. In fact, I am taking her caching later today. I need to clear my head and do some thinking, and being outside with her is the best. If you ever see me on a trail somewhere, I am probably singing or talking -- to her and to myself. It really is the best therapy. I am still not taking my anxiety/depression meds, and I am okay with that. I have a bit more work to do to try and control my bouts of manic-control, but I know that I can do it.  When I feel like there is too much that I can't control in my life, I become obsessed with trying to control the things that I can. . . like my environment. This is why I clean like a crazed person sometimes, or I try to accomplish everything on my to-do list. Or, I sit at my desk rearranging papers until I feel that they are in a good place so that I can begin to work.  Thankfully, my hubby puts up with my craziness and understands that I am working hard to get a grip some days.  He is so incredible.  This week I am feeling much better in this arena, so I hope to knock out some work and feel a bit more relaxed. It's all about direction. . . I will explain that later. :-) 
        I did pass my Comprehensive Exam -- WOOOT! It took just over two weeks to find out, but I was so relieved when I got the word.  The relief that I felt washed over me, and I am sure fueled my crash.  Of course, my sleep patterns immediately reverted to the up all night, sleep late habit.  I am simply a night person, so I go with it in the summer. At this point, it is the least of my concerns.  It is what it is, and I accept it. 
        However, PhD courses began on the 8th, and I am now beginning the dissertation phase! WOW! I can't believe that I am here already.  I am pretty sure that I have my topic - writing instruction - so I am doing the preliminary research and preparing my reserch plan for presentation. It is so exciting and daunting, but Capella has broken it down into 16 milestones, so I just follow the steps and, at the end, I am Dr. BS! My goal is March - July next year. Lofty, yes. Will I be busy as heck? Yes. Will it be worth it? You betcha!
        School - work - is busy, too. I am taking on a leadership role as our team leader, plus I have a lot of reworking of curriculum to do. I am teaching a few workshops throughout the year, as well. I am so OCD and a perfectionist, that I worry about being expected to know everything. I just want to inspire and lead people to find the best within themselves, despite the pressures that we face as teachers.  There are so many factors working against our success and the only way that we can overcome and beat those obstacles is to work together. In fact, a colleague recommended three books to me, and I have been telling everyone about them.  One is The One Word That Will Change Your Life.  It is incredible, and such a simple thought to make a huge difference in life. My word is "direction".  Every action and behavior, step and thought that I make must move me in the direction in which I want to head. Check them out. They really are inspiring. The other two are The Energy Bus and The No Complaining Rule.  Both awesome.  I have decided that there will be no Energy Vampires on my bus . . . they will veer me away from my direction. :-) 
        I am checking in to another venture, too:  Voice over work.  I am so intrigued and excited about this new opportunity.  I took an intro course at the community college and got some incredible feedback.  I have talked to several people in the area and in the business, and still have some preliminary work to do, but this is going to happen. It's all about direction. . . and this is a work-at-home option that will allow us to pursue our dreams.  Stay tuned! 
        Surgery wise -- LIFE IS FREAKING AWESOME! I do not regret my decision one bit, and I am doing really well. I weighed in at 144.4 this morning, and I have been between 142-144 for the last week; that is quite different from where I was a year and a half ago.  I bought a pair of size 4 capris at Walmart a few weeks ago, and actually teared up in the fitting room.  Now, I am not trying to be a certain size or anything. My goal is 130.  I will get there. I know that I will. Direction. 
       Eating wise, I try new things, but I steer away from fried and carbonated. Carbs are the lowest priority.  I really stick to protein and fruit.  Popsicles are a nightly treat, and sweet enough that I feel like I am having something yummy.  I can have wine or certain adult beverages, but they are not a priority either.  I can have a dollar chicken wrap from Wendy's and a few fries, but I can't imagine eating a big fast-food meal like I used to do.  It physically makes me sick to think about it.  I just visualize all of that fat and grease in my new body, and ugh.  No way, Jose!  Twizzlers are okay, but in moderation.  Peanut butter and some ice cream still bother me, but if I really want a treat, the mini blizzard from DQ is okay. Truthfully, I don't indulge in those.  I simply keep my goals in mind and the progress that I have made. I will have a 100 calorie snack as my treats.  I buy individual portions of foods, too, to control portions.  It may cost a bit more money, but you know what?  I (and my hubby) am worth it!  When I walk Cira and I can actually JOG (yes, JOG!) with her, my desire to eat that stuff goes right out the window.  I eat small meals, not a lot of snacking. Maybe six small meals a day. If I need a snack, I have a protein bar to make sure that I am getting the protein that I need.  I use protein shots to help with that, too. My hair is growing back, and all of the biotin I take has made my nails stronger, too.  
        A few people have asked me about having surgery and the best/worst of it.  I can't think of a worst. Really.  I told someone that I think it is kind of like what mothers say about childbirth . . .any of the bad parts just aren't remembered because the beautiful reward at the end wipes them out of memory. To me, I had surgery to jump start my new way of life. I didn't treat it like a diet and go back to my old way of living. I don't eat things that I know will make me sick. I don't want to throw up. I want to enjoy my life. It is a new way of thinking, so if you want to do it, know that your life MUST change to be successful.  The other day I was cutting fruit in order to make a big fruit salad to eat throughout the week. I smiled to myself because a year ago, I would never had done that. It took too much time . . . I wanted snacks that I could grab and go.  How time has changed.  
        The worst?  I waited so long to check into it. Not thinking that I was worth it and that I was too far gone to ever make my life better.  That I wasn't worth the time, money and, effort to make myself better. The best?  ME.  I am worth it, and surgery helped me to grow and change into a stronger person who recognizes that life is worth some struggle and change if we want to improve our situation.  So, as I continue to learn how to live this new life, cope with my quirks and develop mechanisms to conquer them, and make my future happen, it's all about direction. If it doesn't help me go in the right direction, it won't be in my life. Direction. :-) 

Until next time . . . . P&L

These are head shots that I had taken to update my theater resume and profile.  So different from where I was last year:  

AND I AM NEVER GOING BACK!!!!!