Five and a Half Hours!

            It is the night before surgery, and I am SOOOOO excited!  Sure, there is a bit of anxiety, but I am so pumped about getting past this step so that I can continue the journey to a new me.  I was planning to get some work finished tonight, but I am not allowed to eat or drink after midnight and actually a bit sleepy.  Plus, I am so ready for tomorrow to get here that I am going to go to bed and sleep away the few hours until I have to be at the hospital.  My time got bumped up, too, so now I report at 7:00 am, and surgery is around 9:00.  I will definitely update everyone, or have Glenn do it for me, so stay-tuned.  I am also going to do my best to keep up with my blog while in the hospital, but that will depend on how I am doing. 

            Today was productive, although I did not get everything accomplished that was on my list.  I am okay about that, though.  We went to Monroeville to buy a desk that was listed on Craig’s list; it is the exact one we looked at when shopping at Office Max about a month ago.  However, we got it for about half price. :-)  Score!  We got a new comforter and sheets at the JC Penney in Monroeville, too, because it is going out of business.  Well, it is moving to a different part of the mall.  They are a deep purple paisley with gold type design.  I love them - so pretty!  I got the house cleaned from top to bottom and set up the gym area in the basement so it is ready to go when I get home.  Laundry is done and put away, too.  There are still several house projects to do and I have to catch up on PhD work, but I will have plenty of time to do that in the hospital since I won’t have the house stuff to distract me, LOL.  In all, I am definitely not feeling as anxious about the to-do list as I have been in the past month and that makes me happy. :-)

            I am sharing a poem that I wrote many years ago entitled "Circling."  It is about being persistent while trying to find your place in the world and not giving up when a "spot" that you thought was the right one, turns out to be the wrong one or the not-so-right one.  It is one of my favorite pieces that I have written.  It is a reminder to not give up when a situation that seemed good turns out to be not good.  It has given me a lot of strength and encouragement over the last few months, so I share it with all of you so that if you find yourself in such a spot, don't be afraid to keep circling -- you will know the right one when you find it.  

            It is almost surreal that this day has arrived.  I have thought for several years that gastric bypass may be a viable option for me, but never pursued it because I did not think that it was covered by insurance.  When I found out that it was, I began this journey with gusto.  Six months ago I started my path to a new me, a healthy me, and here it is - the day of the surgery.  I need to keep reminding myself that it IS real and it IS happening.  I am so grateful to have this opportunity to jump-start my journey.  As I get ready to try and sleep, I go to bed knowing that I am a lucky woman who has an incredible husband, an awesome family, and fantabulous friends.  It is a good day to be me.

            Five and a half hours until check-in!! 

Circling

by Lisa Bompiani

Last night

as I sat sipping coffee

on my porch

I caught a shadow

across the street.

It was a movement

in the darkness,

in the glow of

the flickering bulb

a silent creature circling -

it was my neighbor’s dog.

He turned this way and that

and turned that way and this

upon his worn-in bed

sniffed and pawed

and circled again

sniffed and pawed

and circled again

sniffed and pawed

and circled again.

And I watched.

And I watched.

And I watched.

Each time his spot

was not right,

each time he stood

and went through the ritual

sniff paw circle

sniff paw circle

sniff paw circle -

There was no barking

no growling each time

He searched for that

comfortable spot

where he could settle in,

he knew it was there.

So he sniffed pawed circled 

sniffed pawed circled

sniffed pawed circled.

Last night

as I sat sipping coffee

on my porch,

I wondered if maybe I

just needed to

sniff paw circle

sniff paw circle

sniff paw circle.

I know my spot is out there -

no growling,

no barking.

Just circle again

Just circle again

Just circle again.

Monday, Monday

           Who is down to 225.8?   THIS GIRL!  Not a whole pound, but a loss from yesterday.  I am psyched.  I have noticed that my clothes are feeling looser, too. Talk about the motivation that I needed to pull through these last two days.  I can tell that my pants are a bit looser and the “girls” aren’t as out of control. I don’t feel so uncomfortable when walking or sitting, and when I put on my bathing suit to begin taking down the Intex pool, I noticed that the top of it was not fitting as well.  These were the visible changes that show me how much my efforts have paid off.  :-)  Those of you who have joined me on the road to a new me by beginning your own journeys, hang in there!! You will see results and be rejuvenated by them.  We might have to plan a bus trip to the outlets so that we can shop, shop, shop!

            I had my pre-admission appointment today, and it went well.  The nurse was great and went through all of the details with me.  My blood pressure was exceptional, something like 112 over 69.  That is without meds, by the way. Another victory!  She was able to give me a tentative check-in time and surgery time, too.  Of course, this will be verified Tuesday evening when I get the phone call, but she said that it is what is currently scheduled.  I need to check-in at the hospital at 7:45 Wednesday morning, and my surgery is scheduled for 9:45 - 12:15.  It may be a bit earlier or later and run a bit longer, but those are pretty good estimates. After recovery, I will be in my room for two to three days.  I will be allowed to be up and moving, too.  The Steelers game is Thursday night, so I hope that my roomie likes football, lol.  I am taking my PhD work, too, because it will definitely allow me to do my best to keep up with class work.  I am sure that the time will pass quickly!

            I had a pretty active day - doctor appointment, a few errands, stopped to visit my parents, and then came home to do some yard work.  I didn’t do much extra in the way of exercise, but I worked outside for at least two hours.  I felt a bit worn out and tired afterward, so I decided to take it easy tonight.  I watched TV with the hubby for a bit before moving to the desk to work on the online courses that I am developing for my district.  Very time consuming as I navigate the online course room and figure out how and what each element does, but I am pleased with the results so far.  Tomorrow is another busy one, with a focus on a few things around the house, PhD work, and online classes development. 

            Tomorrow is also the final day before surgery.  Wednesday I take the next great step in my journey.  I cannot explain the excitement and anticipation that I have at the moment.  I feel like a huge weight will be lifted off of my back, and I can breathe again -- literally and figuratively.  I cannot wait to see the progress that I make in the weeks after surgery, and begin “taking back” my life.  I am so glad that all of you are coming along to keep me company. 

Far Away, So Close!

            Woot! Down two more pounds to 226.4! I am so glad that I stuck to my guns and did not cheat at all yesterday.  It has made me more determined than ever to plow through the next two days and reach Wednesday knowing that I followed Dr.’s orders.  I got the chewable iron in the mail yesterday, too, and tried one of the chocolate truffle chews today.  Not bad at all!  All of my supplements are chewable and in fruity or chocolate flavors, so it really does feel like I am eating a piece of candy.  I look forward to them as mini-desserts. 

            A few people have mentioned that they couldn’t figure out how to post comments to the blog site, so I have written step-by-step instructions.  First, click on the title of the post in the right-hand side block entitled “Blog Archive.”  This will refresh the page so that only that post is visible.  Scroll down to the bottom and you will see a comment box.  Type your comment in the box, and when ready to post, click on the black arrow next to the “Comment As” line.  This will give you several options for commenting.  To comment anonymously, choose that option.  To comment with just a name, choose “Name/URL.”  You do not have to enter a URL, simply put your name in the appropriate box and click “Continue.”  Then, after checking that your comment is the way you wish it to be, click on “Publish.”  Let me know if there are still questions. :-)  Thank you for being part of my journey.

            Another step that I am taking in my new journey is to begin learning Italian.  I have wanted to learn the language for as long as I can remember, but there was never an opportunity to do so.  Last summer I purchased two self-teaching books and CD programs, but I have not been able to spend as much time with it as I would like.  Well, the community college is having a continuing education class for Italian I, 10 sessions on Mondays from six to nine.  I am going to sign-up.  The first session is at the end of September, so I will be able to attend.  I am so stoked! I am not worried about being too busy because I have been in productions where I was at rehearsal three to five nights a week, so one night a week at class is not really too much of an inconvenience.  Plus, it is another step toward achieving another goal.  I have always wanted to visit or live in Italy, so this is a step toward that goal, too, because to live there I will learn the language.  It is completely rude of me to think that if I live there, they should only speak English with me.  No way.  I will learn the language and be part of the culture.  I would love to live near the coast and teach in a school or university.  A girl can dream, can’t she?

            I am so proud of myself this evening/morning.  I made ground turkey and veggies for Glenn to take in his lunch and didn’t feel any temptation to sneak a bite!  I just cooked and cleaned up like nothing was different about my eating habits at the moment.  It was so refreshing to feel like I was doing an everyday thing without the everyday stress of overeating.  I also realized that the one package of veggies and one pound of ground turkey would have been one serving for me in the past, but in the future will be probably five or six servings.  And that is okay.  I used to eat like it was the last chance I may have, but I am changing that mindset.  I know that I will be able to eat and get the foods that I want and need.  I do not need to eat it all right now, at this moment.  I am purchasing a cookbook for weight loss surgery patients and going to begin preparing food with a new attitude.  Food is going to be my friend and something to enjoy, not something to conquer and destroy as fast as possible.

            In the words of U2, “Far away, so close!” is how I feel about surgery right now.  It is only two days away, but that seems so far away.  I have enough to keep me focused over the two days, but I hope that it goes as quickly as the other days have gone.

            Until tomorrow.

Four Down, Three to Go!

After a rough night, I have had a much better day!  The wedding was wonderful and it was nice to visit with friends, old and new.  I wasn’t really worried about not being able to eat anything, and it did turn out to be a non-issue.  I brought my shakes with me, and had an Isopure grape drink.  I did drink my champagne for the toast, but I did not have any wine, even though Dr. Z. told me that it would be okay.  Don’t get me wrong, the prime rib, mashed potatoes, pasta, and veggies looked fabulous and everyone said that they tasted great, but I know that food has not been banned from my life forever.  I will be able to dine with others sooner than I think.  I really am excited about training my body and mind and adopting a healthier lifestyle.  It isn’t about denying me anything; it is about learning to appreciate food in a different way.  I brought home some cookies to put in the freezer, and I will enjoy them -- one at a time instead of by the dozen -- on some fall night around my new fire pit.  Also, it felt GREAT to wear the outfit that I haven’t fit into since early 2006.  It was a tangible reward for the hard work and effort that I’ve put into this journey so far. 

            I have been thinking about this past two weeks and the way that I’ve described the anticipation of surgery as that felt when waiting for Christmas morning.  It made me think of Advent calendars that children use during the month before Christmas, opening a date each day and getting a prize.  Maybe I could design a similar calendar for bariatric patients for the two week liquid diet, except instead of candy there could be motivational quotes or funny sayings to keep them on track.  Anyone know how I could make that happen?  It could be used for anyone, really, who was going through a challenge or change.  I have so many good ideas, but no clue as to how to make them come to fruition. If you have any tips, let me know! 

            Tomorrow is a new day and I have a lot to accomplish in the way of homework and the list, but I am feeling better about being able to get it done.  I didn’t do much when I came home from the wedding tonight but watch some HGTV, but I needed to separate myself from my work list for a bit after last night.  It’s now time to get some sleep so that I can wake up to a fresh start for a new day.  Three more days. . . !

Started Strong, but Rough Night

            Whew!  What a crazy day! I went to bed at 7 a.m. and was up at 10:15 to get moving.  Had to get my hair, mani, and pedi done and stop at the post office.  Plus, I wanted to stop at Hallmark to get some Ozzy things, which meant I bought other stuff that I didn’t need, lol.  Target to buy a wedding present for Jena and Tim (and a few other things, lol), and Home Depot to get new garbage cans and my fire pit.  And a few other odds-n-ends for house projects.  Then, I went to Jo-Ann Fabrics to buy materials to make cornices for our new plantation shutters.  And, yep, you guessed it - more stuff I didn’t need.  It was a great feeling to cross so much off of my list, but now I am building another list of things to do with all of the goodies I bought!  Anyone free Sunday, lol? 

            I had to stop taking my medication, as I explained, and I am trying very hard not to be manic about the things that I want to get accomplished before Wednesday.  With the Zoloft, I was able to maintain focus and not get so worried and hyped up about my to-do list and my mind wasn’t racing nonstop.  It doesn’t change me as a person, but it just helped me be a better person.  However, suddenly my laptop won’t connect to the Internet for some reason so I had to use Glenn’s to try and get some work done, but I can’t focus and am upset because I can’t figure out why my laptop doesn’t work but his will.  Then, I started thinking about my buddy Puck and how much I miss that cat.  He was always by my side, no matter what and it is so hard to work at my desk all of the time without his paw on my arm while I am typing.  So now I’m stressed because I am not getting any work completed and I have to go to bed and try to sleep.  Ugh. I hate crying out of frustration.  Makes me feel like an incompetent fool.  Not my best night so far, lol.  

            On a brighter note, one purchase made today was a pair of ankle weights.  I have been doing a great job walking Cira each day, so I thought that I would up the ante by adding 2.5 pound each ankle weights.  It is a step toward working a bit harder to get in shape and be more active.  I can tell that my clothes are starting to get a bit looser, which is motivating me to be a bit more active. 

            Well, my friends, this night has ended on a rough note and I need to try and sleep and start over tomorrow.  Tonight things just overwhelmed me a bit, which I guess should be expected at least once on this journey.  Wish me luck with the computer. . .and only four more days!

My Puck <3

Five To Go . . .

            Hello my fabulous friends!  I want to start by saying how touched I am that so many of you are not just reading my blog, but responding to it so positively.  It has truly warmed my heart.  Knowing that I have become something to which people look forward to each day has given me another form of added energy to keep moving forward in my journey. I am so glad for our friendships, every one of you.

            I was thinking today that by the time I begin to eat food again, it will have been approximately five weeks or so since I would have had my last bite of food.  Post surgery the first three phases of eating that I will experience are Clear Liquids, Full Liquid, and Full Liquid/Pureed.  It is this last stage in which I will introduce foods such as cottage cheese and egg whites.  Wow, though.  It will have been over a month since I have eaten anything other than some Jello and popsicles.  It might be a more difficult transition than I thought because I am really getting used to not having to stop what I am doing to eat or make a meal.  Plus, I will have to try various foods because my tastes may change after surgery, too.  It will be an adventure for sure, but, as I said earlier, it is a chance to start fresh and retrain my body to enjoy food in a new, healthy way. 

            When I stopped at GNC yesterday, the young man working asked why bariatric surgery patients were not allowed to have caffeine.  I really didn’t have an answer other than your body is to be cleansed in preparation for such a big surgery.  Being who I am, I did a bit of research this afternoon.  Caffeine can act as a diuretic, and since patients need to retain as much fluid as possible, especially when on the various liquid diets, it is not recommended.  Also, it can irritate the stomach, which is not good when the stomach has gone from the size of a football to the size of a golf ball.  However, on the support group forum I stumbled upon, many people stated that they are able to have one or two cups of regular coffee a day without problems.  So, there you have it! LOL.

            And with that, the countdown continues! Five more . . . 

Let the Countdown Begin!

            Wooooo Hooooooo!  I was wrong!  I do not have to be on clear liquids this week; I just have to be on a full liquid diet.  So, I went to Wal-mart and stocked up on protein shakes.  I also went to GNC and got a few of the flavored protein drinks that the dietician recommended and unflavored protein powder to add to my yogurt, egg whites, and other soft foods after surgery to ensure that I am getting the 60 to 80 grams of protein that I should have daily.  When I got home, I ordered the chewable iron supplements that I need to take post-surgery.  No one sells chewable iron, so I went to the Bariatric Advantage website and found them.  I am going to try the chocolate raspberry truffle chews and the strawberry flavored chewable tablets.  Gearing up!

            Yesterday a friend asked me if I missed chewing since I haven’t eaten anything solid in a week.  Honestly, that is a great question, and not weird as she thought.  I have thought about it, actually.  I will have some ice cubes in a glass of water or Crystal Light and crunch on those, so I am still chewing, but it is weird that I haven’t chewed anything for a week except ice cubes and my gummy vitamins and citrate supplements.  It will be kind of strange when I actually HAVE to chew again because I must take really small bites (little bites! as my dad always said) and chew at least 20 times before swallowing.  I will really have to be very conscientious when the time comes to reintroduce solid food into my life again.

            Last night I was thinking about what I was going to wear to the wedding this weekend, and I thought that I would try on this awesome black top with white beading that has been in the back of my closet for awhile.  I love it, and bought it six ago when I sang for another wedding.  It hasn’t fit for at least three or four years, but I was curious.  Guess what!  IT FITS!!!! I almost cried, really.  I think that I am going to wear it on Saturday.  It is one of the few pieces of clothing that I have purchased since becoming overweight in which I feel pretty.  It was such a reward to put it on and have it fit. I might even get a picture with my handsome Glenndini and post it.  He has a new suit and looks very dapper, if I do say so!

            I can’t believe that today begins the week count down.  It has been six months of planning and preparing.  I am ready.  So ready.  I hope the week goes by quickly!

            

Taking Time For Me

            I might be a really happy girl tomorrow! I was reading through my surgery materials, and I think that I misunderstood the liquid diet preparation.  I MAY be able to stay on full-protein and only do clear liquids the day before surgery.  I am definitely calling the office to find out.  If so, I can stock up on some more protein shakes! Boy, funny how happy that would make me, LOL.  Fingers crossed. . .

            I am really hungry for peanut butter tonight. Not pizza or chicken or burgers.  Peanut butter.  I love it. I hope that I can still tolerate it after surgery.  I didn’t get fat eating cakes and cookies and other junk food; I got fat because I like FOOD.  Particularly mashed potatoes, corn, cheese, bread, and other glorious carbs.  However, often when I wanted something sweet, I would have a spoonful or two of an all-natural or reduced fat peanut butter.  Such a treat.  Another low-fat treat that I enjoy is taking a banana and dipping it into sugar-free hot chocolate mix.  It has just enough sweetness to satisfy a craving, but isn’t a million calories like some other desserts. 

            But I really do like food. I mean, I am part Italian, right? Everything we do in life revolves around food and drink.  Had a good day?  Let’s eat! Had a bad day? Here, have a cookie and feel better!  Someone dies? Eat. Someone is born? Eat.  It’s in my blood.  The great thing about this new beginning is that I will still be able to enjoy food, but I will be in much better control of my enjoyment.  I have been energized by the weight loss so far, and have begun to look forward to my small exercise efforts.  I used to love exercising, but when I crossed the 200 mark, it became so uncomfortable that I stopped making it a priority.    

            Plus, I am so crazy busy that I do not make myself a priority.  I think that goes with being a woman. We ladies are such caretakers; I want to make sure everyone else is taken care of before I worry about myself. It seems so selfish to say that I am going to do something for me.  I am getting my hair done and a manicure/pedicure on Friday.  I am singing in a friend’s wedding Saturday (Congrats Jena & Tim!) so that is part of it, but I want to treat myself because I am going to feel a little rough as I heal.  I want to feel good about my appearance.  There is a part of me that has felt that since I was overweight, I don’t deserve to spend money on my appearance.  I am no longer going to think that way.  I am going to start making myself a priority because I know that I am a good person and I deserve it. 

            Even though these two weeks before surgery may have been and might still be a bit challenging, I am looking at them as a chance to “wipe the slate clean,” so-to-speak.  I am ridding my body of carbs and fats and other elements that are not healthy for me, including the perspective that I must put myself last. After surgery, I can start fresh, reacquaint my body with food in a much healthier way, and begin to make sure that I take care of me with as much gusto as when I take care of everyone else.

            And that is what everyone reading should do, too -- take time for YOU. 

Last Day of Full Liquids

            Sorry this entry is later than usual. . . I was tuckered out last night and fell asleep on the couch around midnight.  I had spent the entire day at school putting the final touches on my classroom and getting papers ready to send to central copying.  I got to school around 10:30 in the morning and didn’t leave the building until 9:16.  Hung posters, completed three bulletin boards, my back-to-school sign across the chalk board light, put seven boxes of copies away, a few other finishing touches, and sorted and sent four more units of copies.  It took me a bit longer than anticipated, but I feel so much better knowing that my room and materials are ready to go for Katie.  A few things to do this afternoon and email to her, and school will be first-day ready!  Whew!  It was great to chat with friends while there, too, and it made me a bit sad that I will not be seeing them tomorrow.  I wish everyone a fantabulous and successful school year! I will see you soon! :-)

            All of that work yesterday was worthwhile, though, when I got on the scale this morning. Down to 228.6!!!  Goodbye 230s -- I will NEVER see you again, and I am not sorry!  I didn’t get in any extra exercise, but I put forth a lot of physical effort yesterday, so I feel good about the day overall.  Today is the last day of my full liquid protein diet.  Tomorrow I go to clear liquids only.  I can still have a few cups of decaf a day, but everything else is clear.  And by clear, doctors mean see-through.  So, I better stock up on Jello because I am going to be eating it like crazy! LOL.  I am a little anxious about how I will feel during the week. At least with the protein diet I could have shakes. . . but now I can’t have them.  It’s only a week, though, so I am sure that I will work it out and get through it.  There is no way that I am going to mess this up!

            Today, I hope to continue working on final preparations for school, designing my two online courses, and tackling PhD work.  I might get a walk or bike ride in tonight, too, but we shall see.  I will definitely do some form of exercise.  I am going to think about shopping, too!!  I can’t wait to go to stores and be able to look in every store, not just certain ones.  Sale racks are going to be wonderful -- some good deals await me!  I saw a commercial for Chico’s.  I used to love that store.  I hope that there is one close to me.  If my arthritis is not as painful once I lose weight, I may be able to buy some cute shoes again! So exciting!! My friends and hubby better get ready for some trips to the mall!  One shirt that I can’t wait to buy is a purple shirt from the musical Wicked.  It says, “I Love Oz.”  It is only made in female cut and sizes.  It is ozsome!  Purple and Oz, two of my favorites. What more could I ask? I WILL wear that shirt some day, most definitely. 

            For now, I am going to watch HGTV and vicariously buy new homes with people. Until later . . . 

The Oz shirt :-) 

            How about those Steelers, huh? I love football season, and tried to work on my paper while watching the game tonight.  Not so successful, but it was good to watch the boys.  Did I mention that I love football?  

            Cira didn’t get a walk until really late today since I was completing my assignment, but she got one.  Thank goodness I live in a safe neighborhood.  I did my crunches, too.  I brought my weights upstairs and got them ready for use tomorrow.  There were no headaches today, either, so the elimination of caffeine from my diet is settling in, finally.  I am setting and meeting goals, which is an awesome feeling. 

            I didn’t feel as hungry today, either.  I have been working on my PhD assignment since I rolled out of bed, and drinking decaf, shakes, and water.  I have had a few servings of Jello, too.  That dull ache that was in my stomach is going away. . .maybe it’s just because that lovely week that I look forward to every month is almost over. . . .or maybe it’s due to my body adjusting to the liquid diet.  Not the best week to begin a liquid diet, LOL, but is there ever a best time for that week to occur? :-)

            I think my motivation is a bit stronger because I am down another three pounds.  Woot!! And, I realized that my size 22 jeans no longer fit me. THEY ARE TOO BIG!!! I am going to start the donation pile soon. That was such a great feeling, and just the bit of reward I needed to push through the next week and a half.  When a major event starts to get nearer and nearer to occurring, my anxiety level increases two-fold.  I start to obsess over it and endlessly prepare for it.  In this case, my anxiety level is increasing in leaps and bounds.  I am not worried about the surgery at all, outside of normal concerns related to any kind of medical procedure, but I have so much left on my to-do list that I wanted to accomplish before the 29^th. Doors still need to be primed and painted, a fire pit still needs to be purchased and readied for the fall, I wanted to get new garbage cans and a “shield” to hide them from the view of the yard, cornices must be made for the living room and office windows, and I still have a ton of things to accomplish so that my classroom and materials will be ready for my fantabulous friend Katie who is going to be my substitute while I recover.  Plus, I am beginning my clinical internship for my PhD by designing two online courses for my school district.  Logically, I know that none of this really HAS to be completely done by the surgery date.  I know that - really I do.  But it’s all stuff that I want to be completed so that I don’t feel as overwhelmed with my PhD work after surgery.  I still have classes until September 14^th.  

            I feel like that guy in the famous painting The Scream, LOL. My mind is going like crazy, but my body is telling me to try and get some sleep.  So, until tomorrow. . . 

The Scream by Edvard Munch

I Did It!

            I did it! I went to see the guys play and had decaf and water! Wasn’t really tempted at all.  I brought a protein shake, and had that later when I stopped to say hello to a friend at work.  I stopped at Wal-Mart, too.  But I did it!!! I was hungry a bit, but it was not horrible, and I know that in no time at all, I will be able to enjoy a salad or chicken with everyone.  I lost another three pounds, so I think that has given me a spark of motivation to stay focused on this leg of the journey. 

            I exercised today, too.  I took Cira for a walk and did 50 crunches.  Also, I used my floor pedal thing.  I don’t know what it is called, but is a set of bike pedals that I can use while seated.  So, while I was working today, I pedaled.  I want to start using the Wii again soon.  I like the games on it, and the fitness games are fun.  I need to start doing some arm work, though, so I think that I am going to bring my small two or three pound hand weights upstairs and use them while at my desk.  Multi-tasking at its best!  I used to wear ankle weights when I waitressed and ran; I might get a pair to wear at school.  Every little bit helps, right?

            When I was at Wal-Mart, I had to buy more protein shakes, and it hit me:  I only need enough for three more days!! Then it is clear liquids only for a week.  Boy, the time is really going fast!  I bought some chicken broth and tried some when I got home.  I sipped about half of it, but it started to make me a bit queasy.  I am not a soup person to begin with, so I do not know how much broth I will be able to handle in the next week.  It just has a weird consistency to me.  I will probably eat boxes and boxes of Jello and popsicles, lol.  Overall, things are good and I am good.  Every once in awhile I think about grabbing a piece of cheese or having some egg whites, but I remind myself “not yet” and move on.  Keep on keepin’ on, as the saying goes. J

            Until tomorrow. . . 

Still Going Strong!

            Day three has been pretty successful.  I am feeling a bit hungrier than yesterday, which is causing my ADD to kick into high gear while trying to complete PhD work and prepare for the upcoming school year; however, I am still positive and finding ways to return my thinking from food to work.  I have always been a horrible night person, completely flipping my days and nights in the summers.  This summer is no different.  So, I did not fall asleep until well after six A.M., and was awake and playing Yatzee on my phone by eleven A.M.  I ran a couple of errands, came home, had a protein shake, and promptly went back to a restless sleep until around 8:30 this evening.  I give myself a hard time for sleeping so much because I could be getting so much done if I didn’t sleep, but it is what it is.  I have accepted that part of my personality.  

            While I was attempting to sleep, I did have an entertaining dream, LOL.  I was working in a perfume-shop-slash-hair-salon in England.  There was some sort of party going on in the shop, and I ate a plate of cheese and crackers and had a few glasses of wine.  Everyone was having a grand time, until someone yelled to me, “Lisa! You can’t eat! You are having surgery!”  The rest of the dream was me calling the doctor and trying to figure out if I had messed up my chances to have the surgery.  Needless to say, I was a bit disoriented when I woke up, but relieved to know that it was all a dream and that I had not ruined my progress.  Gwen, next time I get my hair done -- no cheese and crackers in the salon! :-)

            On a happier note, I did meet my exercise goal of taking Cira for a walk around the block and doing 50 ab crunches.  Tomorrow I will exercise, too.  I am not sure what form that exercise will take at this time.  I will do some more crunches -- when I go to the basement to feed the cats. LOL.  I chatted with a friend tonight and we are making plans to set up a walking schedule after surgery.  So excited, Jen!! We are going to be walking machines! Cira will love it, and I can show Evan and Alexa how to geocache.  I have a sneaky suspicion that they will love it.  Also, several friends have mentioned that they are going to start or renew their own journeys to good health after reading about mine.  AWESOME! We can do this with the love and support of each other. 

            And, that is why I started this blog.  We all feel like we are alone in the struggles with weight, exercise, or other health issues, but we are not.  I am not the only one who walks past a store front window, catches a glimpse of myself, and thinks, “Who is that? Oh Damn! It’s me! God, I didn’t realize how big I had gotten!” Nope.  Not alone in that one.  Or, I am not alone when heading to the plus-sized  stores or sections and pulling out my current size, trying it on, and realizing that the size is not longer my size.  Clothes back on and home I go. I will wear my size 20s until the threads fall out because I refuse to go up another size . . . .  yet, I end up back in the store because I HAVE to buy something to wear to work. 

            I had a theory about the Baskin-Robbins store in my local mall.  It was the only food store, besides Orange Julius, that was not in the Food Court.  Where was it?  Next to Lane Bryant.  The plus-sized women’s clothing store.  My theory was that it was put there so that when I left LB depressed because it was the only store in the mall where I could buy clothes, I could comfort myself with a big ice-cream cone!  Some people have called me crazy, but I think there may have been some truth to my madness. . .

            Tomorrow will be the first real challenge of the full-liquid diet.  I am going to Rodney’s in Irwin to see my hubby’s band and our friend’s band.  I will not be able to eat or drink anything but my shakes, water, and decaf.  I will prevail! It will suck, but I will prevail! Nothing can stop me now.   

            

Day Two, Feeling Good!

            Day two has been great, really.  I cleaned the house; put the first coat of primer on the front door, bathroom door, bedroom doors, and closet; and did laundry.  And, I went to see The 25^th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee at Apple Hill Playhouse in Delmont, PA, with my friend Greg.  If you live close-by, go see it.  Very good show.  Then, I sat at the desk paying bills and doing some “real” work, LOL.  Granted, I played around on the new Google Drive and looked at some apps for a long time, but I did manage to be somewhat productive after awhile. :-P

            As for the full-liquid diet, I really do feel good today.  Am I hungry?  Of course.  Am I miserable? No.  I have had my protein shakes, water, Jello, and decaf coffee.  I do have that dull ache in my stomach that one feels when she is hungry -- you know, when it feels like your stomach is eating itself.  However, I know that it is all for the best reason and I am truly okay with it.  In a few months I will be eating food again; for now I need to do what is best for my health.  Small sacrifice to make, I think.

            I will tell you what REALLY frustrated me today, though.  I was watching House Hunters International and a commercial came on for tummy control underwear by Soma.  That isn’t the problem.  The problem was that the model in the commercial could have  weighed 100 pounds ONLY if drenched and holding two very large cinder blocks.  SERIOUSLY!!!  Soma, why don't you use someone in the commercial who actually has a tummy to control? How in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks does that ad convince me that the underwear will control MY tummy?  If I looked like that model, I would run around naked!  I certainly wouldn’t need to wear control top gutchies.  Good Lord.  Honestly, it was the most ridiculous thing that I have seen in awhile as far as an advertisement.  I am actually angry, but the issues that I have with the way that women and men are portrayed unrealistically in the media is a topic for a different blog - and not one that I will be writing anytime soon.

            At any rate, I have been doing everything that I am supposed to be doing for the preparation for surgery, except exercising regularly.  I am still a haphazard worker-outer.  I have everything ready to go in the basement -- treadmill, free weights, weight machine, ab machine.  I have a bike and a dog that needs to be walked.  I do a bit here and a bit there, but I have just not made the commitment that I must make in order to be ready to keep up my new beginning after surgery.  Therefore, I am planning to start small tomorrow; I promise to do 50 ab crunches and walk Cira at least once.  I have said it, and my readers are my witnesses.  There’s no going back now!

Cira, on vacation in Oak Island, NC

Day One of Full-Liquid Diet

            First day of the full protein liquid diet and it has not been too bad.  I am not going to lie; it would be nice to eat something and I have a bit of a headache, but I am feeling pretty good.  I have had three protein shakes, some chicken broth, two bottles of water, 2 sugar-free popsicles, and 2 cups of decaf coffee.  The most annoying part is running to the bathroom every 15 minutes! LOL.  And, I am tired.  I fell asleep on the couch while trying to read this afternoon, and I am having a hard time staying awake to get some work done.  I am sure that this is part of the adjustment from food to liquid. 

            Overall, I am hanging in there.  I am a bit frustrated because I can’t focus to get work finished and am so tired, but that goes with the territory, so-to-speak.  I might actually be in bed before midnight.  That doesn’t happen too often!!  My stomach is growling and I can’t say that I don’t want a light bologna, cheese, light mayo, and light bread sandwich right now, but otherwise it hasn’t been as bad as one would think it would be.  I have had to fast and do liquid diets for several tests, so I know what to expect today.  Now, tomorrow . . . I will have to let you know. 

            I am getting excited about having the surgery because I know that this is it -- this is the start to the preparation. 13 more days!  I know that it will be going quickly.  I just need to find a way to focus and finish the that need to be completed for the start of the school year.  Before I know it, the 29^th will be here.

            The pictures below are my before pics.  I hate them.  I look so huge and not the way I picture myself in my mind, at all.  This was a real eye-opener for me.  The first one was taken during my role in The Dixie Swim Club in the fall of 2011.  I cannot belief that's what I look like from the side.  I look like I have swallowed one of those work-out yoga balls!  The second picture was taken during the summer of 2011 when I was in the show HATS!  Can't we talk about that yoga ball thing hanging off of me?  Goodness!  I really don’t see myself as that overweight in my brain, and I am shocked every time I see a picture of myself.  Not shocked in a good way either.  I think back to how I thought that I was “fat” when I was in 130s and 140s; hell, to be as fat as I once thought that I was, right? It’s about being “skinny,” sure, but it’s more about being healthy.  That’s what I am going to keep reminding myself over the next two weeks when the liquid diet challenges me.  Good things come to those who wait, as the saying goes. I have waited . . . and weighted . . . it’s time to get some of those good things.  

Me, as Vernadette in The Dixie Swim Club, September 2011

Me, as Duchess in HATS!, July 2011

My Glenndini

            I had planned to write about beginning the full liquid protein diet that starts when I wake up tomorrow, but I decided to give some kudos to my hubby instead.  I will write about the liquid diet after the first full day.         

            I do not think Glenn knows how much I love him, or the joy and happiness he brings to my life.  When I met him, I was not looking for someone.  Sure, I missed companionship and love in my life, but I was still adamant about never getting married again.  Little did I know how quickly I would change my mind after meeting Glenn.  We met on Yahoo personals, chatted, talked on the phone, and met three days later.  The Friday after Thanksgiving, 2006.  In fact, I met Glenn and his entire family! Brother, sister-in-law, parents, cousins from Michigan, lol.  We were at a gig for his brother’s band-at-the-time.  When he walked me to my car at the end of the night, we had a quick kiss and made plans to hang out the next night when he was done with work.  I got into the car and said, “Shit. Shit. Shit.”  I SO did not want to like someone, but he got me.  As Kenny Chesney sang, he had me from hello. 

            We became an “official couple” New Year’s Day, 2007, and were married March 31, 2009.  Sure, we’ve had a few rough patches, but we've gotten through them together.  I cannot imagine where I’d be without him.  He supports me in everything I do, from the time I spend doing work for my job, to the time I put into earning my PhD, to my insane Wizard of Oz collection, to my love for theater.  He comes to every show I am in and is my biggest fan.  He puts up with my cats, too, and doesn’t mind that I like Coach purses.  :-) We both love music and the beach, and he is all for my dream of going to Italy.  I am so proud of him for taking a risk and starting his own business, Glenndini Productions.  And, I am über proud of him and his band, The Loyal Hanna Band.  Sometimes our lives get so crazy busy that we don’t see each other too much, but he is the reason that I smile each and every day of my life, plain and simple.  I hope he knows that he is stuck with me because he is mine and I love him.

            Now, I know that I am not an ugly woman and that beauty is so much more than a person’s physicality, but I do not feel attractive or sexy -- anything.  I feel ashamed and disappointed.  I look in the mirror and see this woman who is twice the size that she used to be.  I can’t imagine why or how anyone could find me physically attractive and want to be intimate.  I can’t imagine wearing a bathing suit in front of people who actually know me.  I’d like to paint my toenails and be able to breathe while doing so.  I’d like to button my pants without having to look in the mirror to see the buttons or belt.  I miss shopping at Gabe’s (discount store in my area) or on sale racks and finding awesome bargains.  I appear confident outwardly, but inside there is a lot of hidden sadness and anxiety.  Thank goodness I am an actress because it helps to cover those feelings many times. 

            Knowing that I have such an incredible man supporting me makes this journey I am taking so much more worthwhile and less scary.  He absolutely makes me feel like I am the most attractive woman on earth.  I want to be the best woman I can be most importantly for myself, but just as importantly for Glenn.  For us.  I know that he loves me no matter what I weigh, but I cannot wait until I can wear some cute, sexy clothes for him! Maybe even a red sundress, as the song says. ;-)  I love you, Glenndini.  You are the rock that makes me roll. 

Our engagement

Our wedding

             

Pre-op Is Good!

            Pre-op appointment was a success!  I lost five pounds, so I have lost a total of 21 pounds since February and my first appointment.  Not a huge amount, but it is progress! The doctor requires a loss of around 10% of your weight before surgery to show that you have the discipline to follow an eating plan and begin to exercise.  I started at 258, and today I weighed 237.  Wow, did I just post that on the Internet?? J  I signed all of the releases and forms to get ready for surgery and was able to go to the Quik-Draw center downstairs from the Bariatric Center to get the pre-op blood work, EKG, and Chest X-ray.  Now, I begin the full liquid diet on Wednesday -- which will be the blog for tomorrow.

            After sharing my blog last evening, a friend asked how I made the decision to have gastric bypass versus lap band.  It was an easy decision for me, really.  At the informational meeting in February, the surgeons detailed each procedure.  After listening, I quickly made the decision to have the bypass surgery.  First, I didn’t like the thought of something being inside of my body forever with the possibility to slip and move around.  Secondly, weight loss is quicker with the bypass procedure.  Finally, if I was going to do this, I was going to DO it. 

            I know that there are huge changes ahead, but I know that a majority of those changes will be lifestyle changes worth the sacrifices now.  Some people become lactose intolerant, but some don’t.  I will not be able to drink regular coffee as much as I did, but I will be able to drink it.  Carbonated beverages are not good, but I didn’t drink those too much anyway.  It will be up to a year -- maybe -- until I can eat a 1,200 calorie diet again.  I have to take my multivitamins, iron, citrate, and B12 forever.  What do I get in exchange? A better chance of a longer life.  Less arthritis pain.  No more blood pressure medication.  The ability to shop in a store that is not for plus-sized women.  These are all positives, so there is nothing that is going to be too hard for me to get through in the next few weeks. 

            Until tomorrow. . .

P&L,

Lisa

How the Journey Began

            My weight has always been an issue to me and for me.  I was a healthy child, but sometime around 8^th grade, I gained a good bit of weight.  In 9^th grade, I lost a lot of weight.  I became fanatical about staying thin, weighing myself several times a day, and not letting my weight get over 100 pounds.  In college, I did not go above 125 pounds.  I ran, rode my bike, went to the gym, and diligently watched what I ate.  This was easy the way of life for years . . . until graduate school.  Life became insanely chaotic with three jobs, classes, thinking about paying bills, getting a job, and all of the other stressors of adult life.  Not to mention that I was getting older.  I earned my MA, got a job, got married, and kept battling the diets and the bulge. 

            Then I got divorced.  I was 200 pounds.  Twice the size that I was when I graduated from high school.  I vowed to lose the weight and walked on the treadmill every day.  However, there was teaching and coaching and tutoring and, well, some depression.  After all, I was 32 and getting divorced.  Talk about feeling like a failure, like I let everyone down, embarrassed.  So, the stress added to my issues and the weight did not come off.  It came on.  I would try this and try that, but I just could not get control of it.  Other health issues were introduced to the equation, too -- high blood pressure, carpel tunnel, arthritis.  Despite efforts, I continued to gain a pound here, a pound there.  Then, I met a fantabulous man who loves me even though I am overweight, and he has stood by me as I have gained and gained.

            I know that I am a good person.  I work hard and do my best.  I sing well. I teach well.  I can act pretty well, too.  But I am so uncomfortable.  There is such a huge part of me that feels that I am so far gone, what’s one more cookie? Yet, I am not ready to give up and am ready to start again, this time with a strong support system.  Knowing that it was time to do something, and I mean do something, I went to an informational meeting about bariatric surgery.  I am medically deemed morbidly obese, so it is covered by my insurance.  I decided to do it.  To have gastric bypass surgery.  To start my journey to a new beginning.

            Believe me, this was a six-month beginning with a lot of thinking . . . and a lot of thinking.  The Bariatric Center is such an incredible resource and has a program in place to guide patients through the six-month preparation process.  Each month, I met with a dietician and discussed goals, diet, and what to expect before and after surgery.  The supplements that would be needed, the fact that I had to lose weight or the surgery would be cancelled.  I had the many tests required for bariatric surgery clearance - plus a few extras!  I met with an exercise physiologist and a psychiatric counselor.  I met with the surgeon.  I talked to friends and told everyone that I was having it.  EVERYONE has been so supportive and excited for me that I know there is no way I am going through this alone. 

            I have my pre-op appointment with the surgeon tomorrow (Monday the 13^th) and begin the full liquid diet on Wednesday.  Then, on the 22^nd, I start a clear liquid diet.  For two weeks prior to the surgery, patients have to be on a liquid diet to shrink the liver to make surgery easier on the body.  I had to stop birth control a month early, and I will stop taking my other medications a week prior to surgery to avoid problems with anesthesia.  Then, on August 29^th, I have the surgery.  It will be my new beginning. 

            I decided to blog about my experience so that my friends and family can keep up with me while I am recovering at home.  Also, I want others to know what the process entails, whether they are simply curious or considering it for themselves.  I hope to be honest, probably sharing a bit of TMI in some cases, but if I can’t be honest, it really isn’t truly a new beginning, right? 

P&L,

Lisa