Long Time, No Blog

        Wow, it has been a really long time since I have written -- for several reasons.  One, my PhD classes and life became INSANELY busy with statistics, Internship, work, and other obligations.  I seriously ignored everything in my life except for a few events here and there, and my husband had to look at the side of my head almost every evening.  The hard work paid off, though; I earned As for the final quarter of my course work, and will head into my Comprehensive Exams with a 4.0!!!! I could NEVER have accomplished such an awesome milestone without the support of my friends, family, fellow Doctoral Divas and Dudes, and my hubby.  Thank you all for your words of encouragement, hugs (both real and virtual), and support.  The Comps part of the process (phase two) starts April 8th.  And, since I will pass the first time, dissertation begins in July!!!! 
        I am also FINALLY returning to the stage in May.  I will be in Five Women Wearing the Same Dress at McKeesport Little Theater that opens May 3rd.  PLEASE come and see this show!!! We have an incredible cast and production crew, and I am uber-excited to be working with so many awesome people.  It will be worth the drive, time, and money for some great entertainment. I am not singing - it is a straight play - but the comedy is perfect! You will not regret it. :-) 
        As for the weight loss and surgery stuff, things are continuing to move along and go well.  I am down to around 156ish. . . down 102 since I began the journey last February and almost 70 since surgery August 29th.  My bloodwork was good last month; all seems in line and improving as far as blood levels and whatnot.  My B12 was really high, so I have cut back on that.  The hair loss is not as bad, either.  I work hard to get my protein in with bars, food choices, the Nectar Syntrax drinks, and Provide shots, so that has helped tremendously.  Take it one day at a time and follow Dr. Z.'s orders.  It is working like a charm!
        Currently, I wearing size 10 in pants, mediums in shirts, and a 36C for the girls.  This is down from a 20/22 in pants, 2X  or 3X in shirts, and a 42D for the girls.  I feel great, and I am looking forward to establishing a workout exercise routine now that the schedule is a bit more open.  Comps will be a challenge, but I will have one goal of writing the 50 page paper. . . not a bunch of weekly assignments and posts, so I am looking forward to that aspect of the craziness. I need to tone up a bit and build my endurance a bit.  I hope to avoid a "girls lift" in the future, but that may be an unavoidable fact.  I LOVE going into stores and being able to wear styles that I have not been able to wear for years, and I look forward to shopping now.  Buying quality clothes has become something I enjoy because I know that they are better and will last a long time.  And, they simply feel better.  I have been buying undergarments at Victoria's Secret.  Yes, they cost more. BUT the fit and quality are so much better.  I have tried the styles and brands at Walmart, Kohl's, the outlets, etc., and they simply do not do the job the same way.  I posted on Facebook about the Lucky Brand jeans that I just bought.  HOLY MOLY! They are so ridiculously comfortable that I don't know that I will ever buy another brand.  They are soft and feel like silk . . .it is silly sounding, but I did not want to take them off tonight when it was time to get ready for bed! I still have some weight to lose before I start to try and maintain, but I am very happy with the progress that I am making and the way that I have been able to uphold the changes that I have been making.  Buying clothes that feel good are now something that I give myself, not as a reward but because my body deserves to look as good as it feels. 
        Eating has not been an issue, either.  I introduce new foods to my diet periodically; if they are accepted, then I know that I can have them again.  If not, I steer clear of them.  I did have a few bites of Maggie Moo's ice cream tonight -- and that was enough.  I stopped because I could tell that it was too much for me.  Every once in awhile I have some peanut butter with some honey wheat pretzel sticks, but if I have a few bites and it does not settle well, then I stop.  I do not understand why anyone would continue to eat something that they know will cause them to experience "dumping".  Why torture your body when you have endured so much to try and make it healthy again?  I love salmon and shrimp and scallops and tuna -- I eat those foods quite often.  I still love broccoli and green beans, and do eat salad once in awhile.  Carbs are around in small amounts - but I don't eat all of the potatoes or rice or cous cous first, like before.  I have a little and focus on the protein.  Desserts and snacks are around, too, but -- again -- in limited quantities.  A bite or two gives plenty of satisfaction.  While on vacation, I have found that I miss my nightly popsicles -- they were my sweet treat for the day many nights.  I do not finish my dinners at all, and my leftovers can provide another meal for Glenn and I if we share them.  It's hard to explain my mindset about food now. . . .it simply isn't my every waking thought.  I used to be almost panicked about when and where I was going to eat, and always have snacks at hand.  Now, I eat and enjoy what I eat, but I am not consumed (no pun intended) by the thought of food.  I don't want to eat fast food because I know that it is not a good option.  I can eat a grilled chicken wrap and a few fries once in awhile, but I would rather wait until I can have something better for my body.  So different from where I was a little over a year ago. . . and so much happier of a place.  I stop eating when I am full, and think of food more as something my body needs to live, rather than something that I need to live.  It has been so freeing to notice that change.  My mind can focus on other, more important things. 
        Not to mention comfort!  I can cross my legs, sit Indian style, fit into movie theater seats and booths, curl up in spaces, wear heels, and just walk all day without the discomfort of before.  I still have arthritis, but it is so much better than before.  The pain level is phenomenally lower than before.  I can wear shoes and boots, and enjoy it!  Doors are sometimes so heavy that I do not have the body weight to open them without a bit of effort, and the wind on the beach the other day actually stopped me and moved me in my tracks!  That was a new experience, for sure!  I do not regret my decision at all, and I am so grateful for all of the happiness and change that has entered my life as a result.  Next up -- outside of PhD and work stuff -- is to really think about trying to do more with singing.  I love singing and need it to be a regular part of my life.  More on that as I figure it out. :-) 
        And, with that, I will close.  Thank you for being patient as I took a break from blogging. Until later. . . P&L.

Moving Along, Slowly But Surely

        I know that it has been a while since the last blog post, but I cannot express how overwhelmed I feel currently.  I know that I have mentioned this before, but it seems like I am a hamster on a wheel.  I am running and running and running, but getting nowhere.  The amount of time that I have to devote to my statistics course seems immense, and the hours that I have to complete and the amount of work to finish for my internship are almost insurmountable.  March 15th cannot get here fast enough.  I know that comps and dissertation will be challenging, but I just feel as if it will be a more focused craziness than the uncontrollable feeling of helplessness that I am experiencing at the moment. 
        On a positive note, I have started the job application process, putting in a few and planning to submit a few more.  I do like my current school, but it doesn't hurt to put out a few feelers to see what may be out there for me.  It is scary to think about picking up and going to a new job, but that is part of my goal for the future, so it is a scary risk that must be taken! 
        I haven't given up my dream of opening a coffee shop/community center, though. Or living in Italy. Or living at the beach.  I actually drew up a floor plan for the community center last week.  It would be a gathering place for the community, all ages and types.  There would be the coffee shop, pool tables, seating areas, table areas, books and board games, a large group room for meetings, small rooms for tutoring or meetings, and a bigger room in which bands or community events could be held.  Students and teachers could meet for tutoring sessions, community members could attend informational or learning sessions, . . . the possibilities are endless.  I would absolutely need to find money to do this, though.  I don't have a clue as to where to start looking for such things.  But I'd like to think that I could one day make this dream come true. 
        As far as weight and health, I have been making some progress.  I am down to 165ish. . .fluctuating between the high 164s and low 166s.  I feel pretty darn good, too, outside of constantly being tired.  However, that is because I do not get to bed before 2:00 AM and have to be up for work the next morning.  My cold is finally going away, too. I am not sure whether or not it was the flu, but I do know that it has taken over two weeks to be able to wake up feeling human.  I am eating more protein, too, whether through food or supplements.  I got the Provide protein shots, and they are not too bad.  Also, the Nectar Syntrax shakes are great and I can drink those throughout the day from my Nalgene bottle. One bottle equals 23 grams of protein and 32 ounce of liquid.  Diet-wise things are good, too.  I am eating protein as much as possible, and making sure to keep fats and sugars to a minimum. The hair loss is still happening, but some days it doesn't seem like it is as drastic.  Of course, my hair is shorter so that could be why.  I did add zinc to my supplements, so I am hoping that is helping, too.  Exercise is still slow-going, but I try to get a dog walk in when I can.  The cold an weather took care of that for the past few weeks.  I did walk like a champ all over NYC last week, which helped get me moving.  
        Every time I look in the mirror I am so excited for the change in my life that was able to happen because of surgery. :-) But for now, it is time to try and get some sleep.  Until next time . . . 

 

Not a great pic as far as appearance because I had just gotten out of the shower . . . and it is a lazy Sunday, but this is me in a pair of pants that I wore only five months ago.  Size 20/22 and they were tight! 

Me now, a size 12, heading to a 10, and wearing medium or large shirts!!! 

Hanging in There. . .

        I am exhausted at the moment.  I am not feeling well at all and hope that I simply have a horrible cold, rather than the flu.  I been feeling sick since late Tuesday night and have no energy.  It is so frustrating.  I have not been getting up in the morning to work out because I just do not have the energy to do so.  I know that Dr. Z. said that it would take me up to a year to get my energy back and that I am going to be tired since I am trying to maintain my normal schedule, but I am too impatient for this!  I did take an hour and half walk last Sunday along the Five Star Trail, doing some geocaching with Cira along the way; it felt great.  I have been trying to get course work done and keep up with school work, too, which means the late nights are back.  Even with a nap, I feel like I am perpetually tired.  A woman at the hairdressers who had the surgery told me that it was almost a year before she felt as if she had her energy back.  Also, she suggested zinc to help with hair loss, so I have added it to the regimen.
        The one bright spot in all of this was that I am down to 168.6!  I have noticed that I may gain a pound or two depending on my bathroom schedule, so that does help me from getting too upset when the scale fluctuates a few pounds over a few days.  Plus, it always gets a little weird during my favorite time of the month, but it is extremely rewarding to know that I am so close to bidding the 170s good-bye forever!!! I haven't weighed under 170 since 1999!!!!  Some of my size 12s are already starting to get too big on me. :-) At least I know that I can out them in the dryer.  Gosh, it's been a hell of a long time since I have wanted to shrink something in the dryer! I will get some pics in NYC and post updated ones next time, BTW.
        As for eating, Glenn and I had chili again Wednesday, and fish several times this week. We have eaten chili at least once a week since I found the recipe.  It is really good and has so much protein!  I tried the Nectar Syntrex protein drinks and I LOVE THEM!  They are made with a much finer powder and the taste is so much better. They feel less heavy in my stomach, too.  Definitely glad to have found them.  The protein shots arrived, too, and although the consistency is a bit much and they are very sweet, I can handle them for the one ounce that they are and the 15 grams of protein that they give me.  In all, I've had a bit of a sweet tooth this week, so I have indulged in a few pieces of candy and a spoonful of icing. . . but quickly returned to my Weight Watcher's ice cream sandwiches and hot chocolate as my sweets of choice.  I did have a sliver of angel food cake with fresh strawberries and dollop of light whipped topping after dinner at my brother's last night, too.  Overall, I don't miss the carbs or junk and have been able to make alternate choices when craving something in that food group, but the control that I am now able to exercise when faced with such treats is rewarding in and of itself.  I will NOT NEVER NO HOW IN NOW WAY SHAPE OR FORM go back to a size 22.
        Unfortunately, the only thing that is still plaguing me is the never-ending feeling of being overwhelmed and tired.  And, unfortunately, that is going to continue until this quarter of course work and internship are over.  I am trying really desperately to get my work completed before going to NYC from Thursday to Sunday, but I am not sure if that will happen.  If not, I will have to suck it up and do work there or when I get home Sunday.  The anger that I feel on a daily basis because I always have to put myself last is starting to bug me.  I am NOT a selfish person, but damn it, I would like to not have to worry about so much all of the time and just be able to enjoy things without the workload I have creeping in to the back of my mind.  Yes, I recognize that I did this to myself, but wanting to better myself as a person and a teacher should not mean that I have to sacrifice myself as a person in order to do so. Meh.
        With that said, it is time to wrap up a few items on the to-do list and try and get some sleep.  Until next time. . . .

Back to the Grind

         Well, it is time to get back to work.  PhD classes started today, and I spent yesterday tackling the to-do list. I had several things to that were just taking up brain space and lesson plans to get ready for the week, so I took care of those tasks first.  It was a busy weekend, for sure. Friday I got home around 6:45 and began the cleaning and undecorating  extravaganza.  I finished around 12 hours later, took a nap, and then went to get a brand new hairdo from Gwen.  I LOVE it! I am so glad that I didn't back out or stick to the same hair do. It feels so refreshing, and it really was easy to fix this morning. I blew it dry, used a flat iron quickly, and WAAA-LAAA! Done! A new look for a new leg of my journey. 
       I ordered some protein supplements tonight, too. Mellissa (thanks!) gave me the heads up on Provide Protein shots - 15grams of protein per ounce. That's awesome! I am supposed to get 60 - 80 grams a day, and that is pretty difficult.  Four of these shots would ensure that I got that amount.  Also, I ordered some sample packs of coffee and fruit flavored drinks. The fruit ones I can make into popsicles, too, so instead of eating a regular popsicle, I can have a protein one! I know that it is money to spend, but I certainly am not spending as much on food for me, so I can spend it on protein and make sure that I am getting the nutrition that I need. 
       As for weight loss, I have hit a snag. I have been hovering around 172-174 for over a week. I started exercising at 5 am last week, so I am giving myself time to adjust.  It's been rough because I am so tired, but I am going to keep plugging on -- I HAVE to keep this up or I will never reach my goals and maintain my new lifestyle.  It is so fun and exciting to go shopping, buy clothes and accessories, put together outfits, play with make-up.  I feel like a teenager again! I'm going to have to get a second (well, third or fourth, technically) job to fund my new habit!  I am trying to not let the guilt of spending so much money on myself outweigh my happiness at being able to enjoy these things again, though. It's hard to change those mental thoughts of not being worth the money so quickly. It will take a while before I stop thinking like the fat girl who wanted to just buy somethings to get by and go back home to hide. 
     Well, this is a short one, but morning comes earlier and I have a few things to finish up before I get some sleep. Until next time. . . 

New hair! Inverted bob -- I love it!! Late night photo isn't too flattering, though! LOL

I Wore LEGGINGS!

        Well, not true leggings, but they were legging-style pants designed to be wore with high boots. BUT I WORE THEM IN PUBLIC!!! And it felt freaking awesome!  I felt like the old me -- the me from high school, from college, and from early on grad school.  The woman who would dance the night away and have a great time. I danced, too, and sometimes by myself. It didn't matter! I was listening to Loyal Hanna, my guys, and having a great time. Plus, I finally found boots! In fact, I found four pair of boots!  I had to go to Lane Bryant to buy them, though, because no matter how much weight I lose or how thin I  have ever been, my calves are not-so-thin.  18" as-a-matter-of-fact. So, I ventured to Lane Bryant and found four pair of boots. They were on sale for half off, which was incredible, too.  Needless to say, I was thrilled.
        Actually, I have been feeling a lot of guilt for the amount of money that I have spent on clothes and accessories lately.  I know that it was an expected expense since I was going to be losing so much weight, but I feel like I have gone a bit overboard this round of shopping.  Of course, shopping for the holiday put me in proximity to shopping a bit more than normal, and I think that caused me to buy a bit more.  School starts Wednesday and PhD courses start on the 7th, so my time to shop will be gone.  I love having so many options and feeling not so ugly in my clothes, but I know that I need to tone down the buying until I have leveled out to the size I will be.  Having time to scout the thrift stores and discount racks will help the budget, too, but with the craziness of this time of year and the end of the last PhD quarter I was able to stick to sale racks in the stores in which Glenn and/or I were shopping.  
        The weight loss is going really well; I am down to 172.8!!  I have a bit more to go -- I'd like to get down to around 130.  Once there, I will see how I feel and how maintaining that weight affects me.  I may end up back at 140 or so, but I want to get down to my goal weight and make decisions from there.  My eating habits have changed forever, but I don't want to have to worry about every little thing that I put into my mouth just to stay at 130.  I have found myself mentally "pinching" myself so many times while shopping and cleaning or going through my closets this break -- I can't believe that I am actually THIS size and THIS weight. A year ago, I never thought that I would get to this point.  It is still so surreal every time I look in the mirror or try on clothes.  I am so blessed and grateful to have had the chance to take such a big step as the surgery in order to make this change in my life.  It has truly improved my lifestyle greatly.  I am in better health - my blood pressure is low and there is no need for medication at all.  My arthritis is not as painful -- I can wear normal shoes and dance without being in pain for weeks.  I have more confidence -- I am not so self-confident about my appearance or people looking at me when I am out.  I do not feel like I embarrass Glenn -- I always felt bad for him because he had to be seen with me.  Life has just generally taken on a new direction, and I am loving it. 
     Glenn and I are going to try to restart our workout plan on Wednesday morning.  We need to get back into the groove so that we can get even healthier and keep on track with our weight loss. I know that this will mean that I have to try and get to bed earlier so that I can get up earlier, but I am hoping that I can figure out a way to make it work.  PhD courses are starting again, I have never put as much time into learning Italian as I'd hoped, I would like to audition for a show or find someone who could play guitar and do some acoustic style shows with me a few times a month, read more, cross-stitch again, play some pool with Glenn, go shopping with Glenn or friends, go shooting with Glenn . . . basically, I want to feel like I have a life and not have it be sucked up by work and school.  Yes, I know that part of being in school is sacrificing some things and activities, but I really feel like school has taken over and jeopardized my relationships and mental state.  I am just spent all of the time, and I need to find a way to not give up everything I love during the 10 weeks of classes.  
        And that, my friends, is the long and short of my New Year's resolutions.  Tomorrow, I will be ringing in the New Year with my Glenndini; my guys, Loyal Hanna; friends and family; and Loyal Hanna fans who chose to celebrate with us at Blair's.  In my heart, all of you will be there as I kiss my man and wish for a happier, healthier, and more successful year in 2013.  Be safe in your celebrations and journeys tomorrow.  Until a new year in a few days. . . 
        

Back at It!

        Long time, no write, but things have been a whirlwind since the last time that I wrote.  PhD classes ended with a bang; school was Go!Go!Go! until Friday when Christmas Break started; and holiday prepping, crafting, and shopping took over every evening.  Plus, trying to recoup, let my body do what it needs to do, and rebuild my blood levels.  I am still tired and tire easily, but I definitely feel better than I did a month ago.  The schedule has paid off, though, because the only thing that I have left to do for Christmas is cards.  We just got back from a holiday/Steelers get-together, and, after I take a short nap,  I hope to do my cards and several other things on the to-do list.  One task is to make homemade doggie treats for my four-legged friends Christmas presents. :-) I found a few recipes that are not too difficult, so I want to give them a try.  Pumpkin, beef, and banana flavored -- can't miss with those!
        On a VERY positive note, I am down to 174.6!!!!  That's right! I've been losing steadily for the last couple weeks, and have been working really hard to up my protein intake to help my hair loss. I have been losing quite a bit of hair, even though I am now taking Biotin and using Nioxin hair shampoo, conditioner, and scalp treatment.  Nothing too drastic right now, but I don't want it to become an issue.  I feel better, too, but I definitely get tired really quickly and need to take a break now and then. There is just no time to take a break because too much needs to be done.  There have been several days over the last two weeks when I went to bed at 7:30 - 8:00 and still had a hard time waking up the next morning.  Literally, the last two weeks I have had something - either work or another obligation - every day. Add in all of the other stuff and it has been a bit draining.  I hope to regroup a bit over the next week, but my days are quickly filling up, so I will be lucky to have even one day on which I have no where to go.  I know that nothing has to be done, but there are simply things that have to be done that will make my life easier in the next quarter of classes, and there are things that I want to do that I am tired of putting off. We shall see what happens. :-) 
        I did get a 4.0 this quarter, so I am happy.  Also, I made the President's List - kind of like the Dean's List, but students have to have a 4.0 to make the list.  I am very proud of that accomplishment, especially with everything that went on this part quarter.  Now, it is on to the last quarter of classes! A stats class and the second half of the internship.  Hard to believe that I am so close to dissertation.  I am excited beyond belief to be that much closer to accomplishing a lifelong goal, but I am thankful for a few weeks reprieve from the craziness. 
        However, I have been on what feels like a shopping spree! LOL.  I have been buying clothes almost every time I go out - mainly because I am so stoked that I can actually FIT into clothes again.  It's been so long since I could walk into a store and have so many options and not feel like I was going to leave the fitting room empty-handed.  I know that I need to stop, though, because I still have weight to lose and that means that I will not be in these 12s for long. . . I need to wait until I reach my goal weight and then I can shop 'til I drop, lol.  What's cool is being able to go to the sale racks and find so many good bargains. I used to love going to so many various stores and finding things to mix and match - jewelry, sweaters, pants, etc.  I just have to be patient and exercise more self control when it comes to shopping.  "All in good time," as the Wicked Witch said. :-)
        As for the ulcers, they are healing well from what I can gather. I feel much better, like I said, and my stomach is tolerating much more than it had been.  I definitely know the symptoms now, so if I start to feel that way again, I will head to the doctors.  I had a appointment with the surgeon on the 17th, and things are looking good. I will be on some sort of medication for the ulcers forever, but as long as I monitor what I eat and drink, I don't expect to have any other issues.  I am allowed to eat raw veggies and salad, but I have to chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, . . . .you get the idea.  I just have to eat my protein first, rather than the salad.  I have to get some blood work before my next appointment in March, and I will have to have another scope at some point just to see how things have healed.  For now, I just need to keep on, keeping on.
        It is hard to believe that it will four months since the surgery at the end of the week.  So much has happened and changed.  

It Fit!!

            Another week is set to begin, and I am ready to tackle it.  It is going to be a busy one, for sure.  This quarter of PhD courses ends Friday, and I am SO in need of a break! However, after the craziness of the last two weeks, I am feeling a TON better and realize that the gas that I’ve thought that I had was actually the ulcers.  I still get tired, but not to the extent of the absolute run down exhaustion that I was feeling.  If there is such a thing, it is just normal tiredness.  LOL.

            I had a great experience the other day shopping, too.  As it turned out, I went to my husband’s work Christmas party even though he couldn’t go; he was Dj’ing another Christmas party.  I have friends who work there, too, so when an extra ticket was available, they thought of me.  They are so good to me! At any rate, I had to find something to wear and ended up at Fashion Bug.  They are going out of business, so I was able to get some great deals since I needed to buy new clothes anyway --- I am now a size 12!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOT!!!!!

            I filled my arms and went to the dressing room.  I was so excited as things fit that I actually had a good time shopping for the first time in forever.  I even tried on a dress. That’s right – A DRESS.  And it fit!!!! I ended up wearing it to the party and danced the night away.  Of course, the only picture I have is of me in the fitting room because I sent one to my hubby.  I plan to wear it New Year’s Eve, so I will post pics then, for sure.

            The party was fun, too.  Eating and drinking were a non-issue, as I am discovering.  Food and drink do not dictate having fun, and it feels so much better to not be stuffed to the gills and uncomfortable.  I had ¾ of a caramel appletini, a coffee, and a few nibbles each of Caesar salad, breaded chicken, rice with veggies, garlic potatoes, linguini salad, prime rib, and dessert.  Everything was fantastic, but I pushed my plate away and enjoyed the dancing and company.  Afterward, I went out with my friends and Glenn joined us.  I ordered a glass of wine, but, after a few sips, gave it to Glenn.  I was perfectly content without it.  Life has really taken on new meaning and a new direction. 

            And on that thought I will end . . . until tomorrow. . . 

It fit!!! 

We stopped to see the Creche in Pittsburgh before heading home from our Gateway Clipper party.  Beautiful way to reflect on the season.