Hanging in There. . .

        I am exhausted at the moment.  I am not feeling well at all and hope that I simply have a horrible cold, rather than the flu.  I been feeling sick since late Tuesday night and have no energy.  It is so frustrating.  I have not been getting up in the morning to work out because I just do not have the energy to do so.  I know that Dr. Z. said that it would take me up to a year to get my energy back and that I am going to be tired since I am trying to maintain my normal schedule, but I am too impatient for this!  I did take an hour and half walk last Sunday along the Five Star Trail, doing some geocaching with Cira along the way; it felt great.  I have been trying to get course work done and keep up with school work, too, which means the late nights are back.  Even with a nap, I feel like I am perpetually tired.  A woman at the hairdressers who had the surgery told me that it was almost a year before she felt as if she had her energy back.  Also, she suggested zinc to help with hair loss, so I have added it to the regimen.
        The one bright spot in all of this was that I am down to 168.6!  I have noticed that I may gain a pound or two depending on my bathroom schedule, so that does help me from getting too upset when the scale fluctuates a few pounds over a few days.  Plus, it always gets a little weird during my favorite time of the month, but it is extremely rewarding to know that I am so close to bidding the 170s good-bye forever!!! I haven't weighed under 170 since 1999!!!!  Some of my size 12s are already starting to get too big on me. :-) At least I know that I can out them in the dryer.  Gosh, it's been a hell of a long time since I have wanted to shrink something in the dryer! I will get some pics in NYC and post updated ones next time, BTW.
        As for eating, Glenn and I had chili again Wednesday, and fish several times this week. We have eaten chili at least once a week since I found the recipe.  It is really good and has so much protein!  I tried the Nectar Syntrex protein drinks and I LOVE THEM!  They are made with a much finer powder and the taste is so much better. They feel less heavy in my stomach, too.  Definitely glad to have found them.  The protein shots arrived, too, and although the consistency is a bit much and they are very sweet, I can handle them for the one ounce that they are and the 15 grams of protein that they give me.  In all, I've had a bit of a sweet tooth this week, so I have indulged in a few pieces of candy and a spoonful of icing. . . but quickly returned to my Weight Watcher's ice cream sandwiches and hot chocolate as my sweets of choice.  I did have a sliver of angel food cake with fresh strawberries and dollop of light whipped topping after dinner at my brother's last night, too.  Overall, I don't miss the carbs or junk and have been able to make alternate choices when craving something in that food group, but the control that I am now able to exercise when faced with such treats is rewarding in and of itself.  I will NOT NEVER NO HOW IN NOW WAY SHAPE OR FORM go back to a size 22.
        Unfortunately, the only thing that is still plaguing me is the never-ending feeling of being overwhelmed and tired.  And, unfortunately, that is going to continue until this quarter of course work and internship are over.  I am trying really desperately to get my work completed before going to NYC from Thursday to Sunday, but I am not sure if that will happen.  If not, I will have to suck it up and do work there or when I get home Sunday.  The anger that I feel on a daily basis because I always have to put myself last is starting to bug me.  I am NOT a selfish person, but damn it, I would like to not have to worry about so much all of the time and just be able to enjoy things without the workload I have creeping in to the back of my mind.  Yes, I recognize that I did this to myself, but wanting to better myself as a person and a teacher should not mean that I have to sacrifice myself as a person in order to do so. Meh.
        With that said, it is time to wrap up a few items on the to-do list and try and get some sleep.  Until next time. . . .

Back to the Grind

         Well, it is time to get back to work.  PhD classes started today, and I spent yesterday tackling the to-do list. I had several things to that were just taking up brain space and lesson plans to get ready for the week, so I took care of those tasks first.  It was a busy weekend, for sure. Friday I got home around 6:45 and began the cleaning and undecorating  extravaganza.  I finished around 12 hours later, took a nap, and then went to get a brand new hairdo from Gwen.  I LOVE it! I am so glad that I didn't back out or stick to the same hair do. It feels so refreshing, and it really was easy to fix this morning. I blew it dry, used a flat iron quickly, and WAAA-LAAA! Done! A new look for a new leg of my journey. 
       I ordered some protein supplements tonight, too. Mellissa (thanks!) gave me the heads up on Provide Protein shots - 15grams of protein per ounce. That's awesome! I am supposed to get 60 - 80 grams a day, and that is pretty difficult.  Four of these shots would ensure that I got that amount.  Also, I ordered some sample packs of coffee and fruit flavored drinks. The fruit ones I can make into popsicles, too, so instead of eating a regular popsicle, I can have a protein one! I know that it is money to spend, but I certainly am not spending as much on food for me, so I can spend it on protein and make sure that I am getting the nutrition that I need. 
       As for weight loss, I have hit a snag. I have been hovering around 172-174 for over a week. I started exercising at 5 am last week, so I am giving myself time to adjust.  It's been rough because I am so tired, but I am going to keep plugging on -- I HAVE to keep this up or I will never reach my goals and maintain my new lifestyle.  It is so fun and exciting to go shopping, buy clothes and accessories, put together outfits, play with make-up.  I feel like a teenager again! I'm going to have to get a second (well, third or fourth, technically) job to fund my new habit!  I am trying to not let the guilt of spending so much money on myself outweigh my happiness at being able to enjoy these things again, though. It's hard to change those mental thoughts of not being worth the money so quickly. It will take a while before I stop thinking like the fat girl who wanted to just buy somethings to get by and go back home to hide. 
     Well, this is a short one, but morning comes earlier and I have a few things to finish up before I get some sleep. Until next time. . . 

New hair! Inverted bob -- I love it!! Late night photo isn't too flattering, though! LOL

I Wore LEGGINGS!

        Well, not true leggings, but they were legging-style pants designed to be wore with high boots. BUT I WORE THEM IN PUBLIC!!! And it felt freaking awesome!  I felt like the old me -- the me from high school, from college, and from early on grad school.  The woman who would dance the night away and have a great time. I danced, too, and sometimes by myself. It didn't matter! I was listening to Loyal Hanna, my guys, and having a great time. Plus, I finally found boots! In fact, I found four pair of boots!  I had to go to Lane Bryant to buy them, though, because no matter how much weight I lose or how thin I  have ever been, my calves are not-so-thin.  18" as-a-matter-of-fact. So, I ventured to Lane Bryant and found four pair of boots. They were on sale for half off, which was incredible, too.  Needless to say, I was thrilled.
        Actually, I have been feeling a lot of guilt for the amount of money that I have spent on clothes and accessories lately.  I know that it was an expected expense since I was going to be losing so much weight, but I feel like I have gone a bit overboard this round of shopping.  Of course, shopping for the holiday put me in proximity to shopping a bit more than normal, and I think that caused me to buy a bit more.  School starts Wednesday and PhD courses start on the 7th, so my time to shop will be gone.  I love having so many options and feeling not so ugly in my clothes, but I know that I need to tone down the buying until I have leveled out to the size I will be.  Having time to scout the thrift stores and discount racks will help the budget, too, but with the craziness of this time of year and the end of the last PhD quarter I was able to stick to sale racks in the stores in which Glenn and/or I were shopping.  
        The weight loss is going really well; I am down to 172.8!!  I have a bit more to go -- I'd like to get down to around 130.  Once there, I will see how I feel and how maintaining that weight affects me.  I may end up back at 140 or so, but I want to get down to my goal weight and make decisions from there.  My eating habits have changed forever, but I don't want to have to worry about every little thing that I put into my mouth just to stay at 130.  I have found myself mentally "pinching" myself so many times while shopping and cleaning or going through my closets this break -- I can't believe that I am actually THIS size and THIS weight. A year ago, I never thought that I would get to this point.  It is still so surreal every time I look in the mirror or try on clothes.  I am so blessed and grateful to have had the chance to take such a big step as the surgery in order to make this change in my life.  It has truly improved my lifestyle greatly.  I am in better health - my blood pressure is low and there is no need for medication at all.  My arthritis is not as painful -- I can wear normal shoes and dance without being in pain for weeks.  I have more confidence -- I am not so self-confident about my appearance or people looking at me when I am out.  I do not feel like I embarrass Glenn -- I always felt bad for him because he had to be seen with me.  Life has just generally taken on a new direction, and I am loving it. 
     Glenn and I are going to try to restart our workout plan on Wednesday morning.  We need to get back into the groove so that we can get even healthier and keep on track with our weight loss. I know that this will mean that I have to try and get to bed earlier so that I can get up earlier, but I am hoping that I can figure out a way to make it work.  PhD courses are starting again, I have never put as much time into learning Italian as I'd hoped, I would like to audition for a show or find someone who could play guitar and do some acoustic style shows with me a few times a month, read more, cross-stitch again, play some pool with Glenn, go shopping with Glenn or friends, go shooting with Glenn . . . basically, I want to feel like I have a life and not have it be sucked up by work and school.  Yes, I know that part of being in school is sacrificing some things and activities, but I really feel like school has taken over and jeopardized my relationships and mental state.  I am just spent all of the time, and I need to find a way to not give up everything I love during the 10 weeks of classes.  
        And that, my friends, is the long and short of my New Year's resolutions.  Tomorrow, I will be ringing in the New Year with my Glenndini; my guys, Loyal Hanna; friends and family; and Loyal Hanna fans who chose to celebrate with us at Blair's.  In my heart, all of you will be there as I kiss my man and wish for a happier, healthier, and more successful year in 2013.  Be safe in your celebrations and journeys tomorrow.  Until a new year in a few days. . . 
        

Back at It!

        Long time, no write, but things have been a whirlwind since the last time that I wrote.  PhD classes ended with a bang; school was Go!Go!Go! until Friday when Christmas Break started; and holiday prepping, crafting, and shopping took over every evening.  Plus, trying to recoup, let my body do what it needs to do, and rebuild my blood levels.  I am still tired and tire easily, but I definitely feel better than I did a month ago.  The schedule has paid off, though, because the only thing that I have left to do for Christmas is cards.  We just got back from a holiday/Steelers get-together, and, after I take a short nap,  I hope to do my cards and several other things on the to-do list.  One task is to make homemade doggie treats for my four-legged friends Christmas presents. :-) I found a few recipes that are not too difficult, so I want to give them a try.  Pumpkin, beef, and banana flavored -- can't miss with those!
        On a VERY positive note, I am down to 174.6!!!!  That's right! I've been losing steadily for the last couple weeks, and have been working really hard to up my protein intake to help my hair loss. I have been losing quite a bit of hair, even though I am now taking Biotin and using Nioxin hair shampoo, conditioner, and scalp treatment.  Nothing too drastic right now, but I don't want it to become an issue.  I feel better, too, but I definitely get tired really quickly and need to take a break now and then. There is just no time to take a break because too much needs to be done.  There have been several days over the last two weeks when I went to bed at 7:30 - 8:00 and still had a hard time waking up the next morning.  Literally, the last two weeks I have had something - either work or another obligation - every day. Add in all of the other stuff and it has been a bit draining.  I hope to regroup a bit over the next week, but my days are quickly filling up, so I will be lucky to have even one day on which I have no where to go.  I know that nothing has to be done, but there are simply things that have to be done that will make my life easier in the next quarter of classes, and there are things that I want to do that I am tired of putting off. We shall see what happens. :-) 
        I did get a 4.0 this quarter, so I am happy.  Also, I made the President's List - kind of like the Dean's List, but students have to have a 4.0 to make the list.  I am very proud of that accomplishment, especially with everything that went on this part quarter.  Now, it is on to the last quarter of classes! A stats class and the second half of the internship.  Hard to believe that I am so close to dissertation.  I am excited beyond belief to be that much closer to accomplishing a lifelong goal, but I am thankful for a few weeks reprieve from the craziness. 
        However, I have been on what feels like a shopping spree! LOL.  I have been buying clothes almost every time I go out - mainly because I am so stoked that I can actually FIT into clothes again.  It's been so long since I could walk into a store and have so many options and not feel like I was going to leave the fitting room empty-handed.  I know that I need to stop, though, because I still have weight to lose and that means that I will not be in these 12s for long. . . I need to wait until I reach my goal weight and then I can shop 'til I drop, lol.  What's cool is being able to go to the sale racks and find so many good bargains. I used to love going to so many various stores and finding things to mix and match - jewelry, sweaters, pants, etc.  I just have to be patient and exercise more self control when it comes to shopping.  "All in good time," as the Wicked Witch said. :-)
        As for the ulcers, they are healing well from what I can gather. I feel much better, like I said, and my stomach is tolerating much more than it had been.  I definitely know the symptoms now, so if I start to feel that way again, I will head to the doctors.  I had a appointment with the surgeon on the 17th, and things are looking good. I will be on some sort of medication for the ulcers forever, but as long as I monitor what I eat and drink, I don't expect to have any other issues.  I am allowed to eat raw veggies and salad, but I have to chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, . . . .you get the idea.  I just have to eat my protein first, rather than the salad.  I have to get some blood work before my next appointment in March, and I will have to have another scope at some point just to see how things have healed.  For now, I just need to keep on, keeping on.
        It is hard to believe that it will four months since the surgery at the end of the week.  So much has happened and changed.  

It Fit!!

            Another week is set to begin, and I am ready to tackle it.  It is going to be a busy one, for sure.  This quarter of PhD courses ends Friday, and I am SO in need of a break! However, after the craziness of the last two weeks, I am feeling a TON better and realize that the gas that I’ve thought that I had was actually the ulcers.  I still get tired, but not to the extent of the absolute run down exhaustion that I was feeling.  If there is such a thing, it is just normal tiredness.  LOL.

            I had a great experience the other day shopping, too.  As it turned out, I went to my husband’s work Christmas party even though he couldn’t go; he was Dj’ing another Christmas party.  I have friends who work there, too, so when an extra ticket was available, they thought of me.  They are so good to me! At any rate, I had to find something to wear and ended up at Fashion Bug.  They are going out of business, so I was able to get some great deals since I needed to buy new clothes anyway --- I am now a size 12!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOT!!!!!

            I filled my arms and went to the dressing room.  I was so excited as things fit that I actually had a good time shopping for the first time in forever.  I even tried on a dress. That’s right – A DRESS.  And it fit!!!! I ended up wearing it to the party and danced the night away.  Of course, the only picture I have is of me in the fitting room because I sent one to my hubby.  I plan to wear it New Year’s Eve, so I will post pics then, for sure.

            The party was fun, too.  Eating and drinking were a non-issue, as I am discovering.  Food and drink do not dictate having fun, and it feels so much better to not be stuffed to the gills and uncomfortable.  I had ¾ of a caramel appletini, a coffee, and a few nibbles each of Caesar salad, breaded chicken, rice with veggies, garlic potatoes, linguini salad, prime rib, and dessert.  Everything was fantastic, but I pushed my plate away and enjoyed the dancing and company.  Afterward, I went out with my friends and Glenn joined us.  I ordered a glass of wine, but, after a few sips, gave it to Glenn.  I was perfectly content without it.  Life has really taken on new meaning and a new direction. 

            And on that thought I will end . . . until tomorrow. . . 

It fit!!! 

We stopped to see the Creche in Pittsburgh before heading home from our Gateway Clipper party.  Beautiful way to reflect on the season.

Out of the Hospital and On the Mend!

Boy, have the last few days been interesting – to say the least!  I am home and on the mend.  As it turns out, I had two bleeding ulcers.  Since they started me on protonix in the ER, they had already crusted over and began healing by the time my gastroscopy was performed on Saturday morning.  Apparently, any time that two body parts are sewn together and rejoined, the area receives less blood flow because of the scar tissue or nature of the way it has healed.  This can cause perforations and ulcers.  It is not unusual, but not so much as common as people would think.  This is what happened to me.  I had one ulcer in my stomach and one right after my stomach in the intestines.  Dr. Sharon said that the surgery itself looked fabulous and that Dr. Z. did a great job, so that was awesome to know.  So, it was good that I came in because I could have kept bleeding for a long time.  In fact, I had lost quite a bit of blood and my levels were just over eight; normal is 11-18 from what the nurse said.  Therefore, I had to have a blood transfusion.  I was allowed to eat full liquids at that point, which was nice.  My hubby came to visit for a bit before heading home to take care of Cira.  My Mom, brother, and nephew visited, too.  Glenn came back that evening and we played some Scrabble and hung out in the hospital.  He brought me a yogurt, too. :-) Yummy! Best thing I ate in the hospital, outside of the popsicles that I ate whenever a nurse would give me one, LOL!  The vampires took my blood a few more times, and Dr. Sharon came in at 6:00 Sunday morning to tell me that my blood level was up, I could eat regular food, would take protonix for the rest of my life, and that I would be going home that afternoon!  Woot! 

            I feel better, but am still extremely tired.  I have been home the past two days and trying to catch up on work.  Tomorrow is a full day, but I am going to try to keep my to-do list in check.  It is just pretty difficult with school and courses.  I refuse to be a bad student or a bad teacher; both of those take a huge amount of energy and time.  I spent some time yesterday running errands and doing things around the house, but that means that today I am trying to catch up even more so.  It is such a catch-22.  I know that my health is important, but who do I let down in order to take care of my health?  My family? Friends?  Students? Professors? Myself?

            Of course, I alerted my professors, and one has given me an extension.  The other has not responded to my questions about assignments as of yet. . . although, he did wish me well. He never reads an entire email or answers questions.  It’s so infuriating!  So, I guess at this point, I am going to press on with the help of my friends and family, and my wonderful hubby, and do what I can.  PhD classes end on the 14^th, so I can take a minute to breathe and enjoy the holidays at that point.  Over the holiday break, I can focus my efforts and try to accomplish a few things to make life a bit easier in the second half of the internship.

            Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and well wishes over the last few days.  Believe me, seeing that blood loss was pretty scary.  And, although I was so furious about being in the hospital and the other things before, I do know that it was best for me to spend the time that I did in the hospital getting it taken care of.  Now it is back to work until tomorrow. . . .

Normal v. Not Normal

Well, the last few days have been interesting, and I am sending a warning right now.  I made a vow to not hold back any information when I started this blog so that anyone considering bariatric surgery would have an idea of any hurdles or issues that may be potential problems.  Truthfully, I have been having an INCREDIBLE recovery and still am having an incredible recovery, but I am definitely going to be writing about my latest episode with detail.  For some it may be TMI.  So, read on and skip what you do not want to read.

            Weight-wise, I am at 180.4. WOOT!  I am so psyched.  Yesterday was my three-month surgery date anniversary, and, since surgery, I am down 45 pounds.  Total, I have lost 78!  THAT is exciting! I was so bummed the first few weeks after because I didn’t seem to be losing that much, but now I am losing steadily.  I am able to eat relatively normally and enjoy things that I enjoy doing.  Although I am exhausted often, I still feel great and have no regrets. 

            Wednesday night; however, things got a little scary, which is why I am currently in the hospital awaiting a scope – essentially, a colonoscopy.  I got home around 7:15 (like normal), ate dinner (like normal) and sat down to begin working (like normal).  Then, my stomach felt a bit weird, I got some cramps, and ran to the bathroom.  My BM was in no way normal, though.  It was horribly smelly; bright red liquid; and dark, dark purple.  It was the consistency of a pile of wet leaves that had been sitting so long that it was blackish purple and sticky.  It took five flushes to get it all down, and I even had to clean the toilet.  I was alarmed to say the least, but thought that it was over and went back to do work.  Not the case. This happened at least five or six times, and I had an accident once.  I hadn’t eaten anything out-of-the-ordinary from my normal foods, so I had no idea what was causing it.  In the morning, it happened twice more before I left the house.  I was dizzy and light-headed; after my shower, I was sweating like crazy and had to sit down for a bit.  Needless to say, I realized that this was not normal and I needed to get checked out. 

            I called school and they started making arrangements for a sub; I left school around 10:30 when the sub got there and arrived in the ER around 11:00.  I had called the Bariatric Center and explained everything earlier, and they told me to go the hospital.  I was in the ER until almost 7:00; they were really busy.  I had to drink the bowel prep, but only one container.  It took me all evening and night – until around 5:00 this morning -- to get it all down.  I have given so much blood that I can’t have much more to give, LOL.  My surgeon came in this morning and said that my blood counts were down, nothing so serious that I need a transfusion, but we will see what the test shows.  I continued to have bloody BMs, although since I haven’t eaten anything since Wednesday’s dinner, they have been liquid purple and red.  I didn’t have one that was a normal color until an hour ago . . .around 10:00 this morning. 

PART II

            Well, I just got back from the colonoscopy and everything on that end looks good, but there was old blood in the colon and bowels, so now I have to have the gastroscopy in the morning!! REALLY??? I asked why they didn’t just do it then, and they said that because I was under anesthesia I couldn’t consent to it. Isn’t that why you have my husband’s number and my mom’s number?  In case of stuff like this??  I am so furiously angry right now.  This is a waste of my time and insurance money to keep me here another day for something like this.  I am hungry, too, and I don’t get to eat much to begin with, so not being able to eat anything just adds to my anger.  I am so angry that I can’t write anymore.  I have shut my door and am going to take a nap.  Until tomorrow and I have more news to share. . . . .