Well, I
crashed on the couch last night - it was a long day, lol. I did a bit more painting on the porch,
cleaned up the house a bit, went to the MRI, read a bit, and was out like a
light. I have been moving pretty slowly
all day, too, and just kind of blah.
Maybe it’s the weather. It’s chilly and rainy and overcast. . . just
kind of a blah day. I am not sure why,
but I think that I am simply burned out.
I never take a break from anything because I know that I won’t want to
get started again. And this time is no
different, I fear. I am so tired of
being tired, and I know that being tired is not going to change when I go back
to work in a few weeks. It will be back
to working “balls to the wall” (excuse the expression) and trying to keep up
with everything and all of the things that I have visions of enjoying will go
right down the tubes again. I have got
to get out of this selfish phase. It’s
starting to make me really angry because I am really not this type of
person.
I am
starting to get a bit concerned about the amount of time that I am going to
have to dedicate to cooking and preparing food, too. I know that sounds a bit crazy, but Glenn and
I are not kitchen folks. Maybe after we
remodel the kitchen we will be, LOL, but with our goofy schedules, we do not
always take the time to prepare meals as well or nutritionally as we should
prepare them. That is going to take a
considerable amount of time. I am a bit
worried about trying to fit everything in - exercise, work, household chores,
PhD, food preparation. Ugh. I am getting tired thinking about it. I am so excited for the future, but think
that I may need to get a new job that doesn’t take up so much of my time and
energy in order to meet the demands of my new way of life. In a way, I am being selfish, but selfish
with my time. I don’t want to spend so
much time on work or chores or things of that nature. I want to spend time singing, acting, hanging
out with Glenndini, and doing things that we enjoy doing. Finding a balance is going to be a bigger
challenge than actually going through the surgery, I think. I didn’t expect to be dealing with this type
of emotion. Getting used to thinking
about food differently, yes. Being a bit
anxious and hesitant about eating again, yes.
Figuring out how in the hell I am going to afford to buy new clothes,
yes. But not wanting to go back to work
because it is impeding on my chance to regain some of my life back and have some
of the fun that I’ve put aside because of my weight, no. Maybe going off of the Zoloft was a bad idea
. . .
Don’t get
me wrong. I love my job, I do. I think
that I am just so tired of the overriding belief within society that teachers
are not worth their salaries and have no right to expect to be compensated for
the time, effort, and money that they invest in not only their educations, but
also the educations of every child in the country. It is so defeating to constantly be told that
I “get paid enough” or that “I wish I could make that much a year and only work
nine months”. Seriously. I wish that I could only work nine
months. I work throughout the summer
and, contrary to popular belief, am not paid for that time. I don’t mind working if people appreciate
it. It’s the huge presence of
non-appreciation that is starting to make me wonder in what direction this
country is truly headed. People are more
upset about the hockey lock-out and the NFL referees than they are educational
issues or other economic plights.
Really? Why is it okay for those
two organizations to be on strike and no one is questioning their motives, but
if a teachers’ union or nurses’ union or any other working-class union goes on
strike, the country is in an uproar and ready to burn effigies of the horrible
offenders? Grr. Ugh.
Meh.
On a
positive note (and before I get even more depressed), I took Cira for a stroll
around the top loop of the neighborhood, which I believe is a half mile. She didn’t pull me or drag me around!! I
think that at night there is less for her to be interested in, so she doesn’t
become so excited. I might hold off on
the Halti leash for awhile and see if this is a phase or a new way of life for
her, too. Also, Dr. DeJesus called and said that my MRI was good - there are simply fatty deposits in my liver, no holes or masses. He said that there was some change in my skin because of the bypass surgery and that there was some fluid in my lungs. I feel fine, though, but I did pick up my breathing exercises again. I had been slacking on those. Overall, nothing to worry about as far as the MRI could show. And, despite the mood
described above, I did print the new educational standards and update a unit
for my trimester class, revising some things and making sure that the
curriculum aligns to the new standards.
Tomorrow, I plan to really crank out some work on the online courses
that I am developing. Like I said, no
one is taking them so there is not a big rush, but I need to get a grip on them
before it gets too late. I don’t want to
have to kick it into high gear if someone does register. But for now, I am going to try and get a few
winks and give my racing mind a break. Something
has to lift me out of the doldrums soon. . . I hate when I get like this. So, with a hope for a new day, I will go to
bed.
Until
tomorrow. . .
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